In Case We Die by Danny Bland

Author:Danny Bland
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Fantagraphics
Published: 2013-11-15T00:00:00+00:00

I turned my attention back to the spoon and sucked the remaining dope into the needle, taking it with me to the bathroom to shower off another lovely evening at the porn shop. I kicked off my boots and stripped off my jacket and shirt while the water warmed up. I stood over the sink and hit a vein in my wrist. I stretched and waited for the blissful cloud of dope to cover me.

Carrie’s alarm clock began to buzz.

BRAAP, BRAAP, BRAAP, BRAAP

I exhaled as the warmth hit my lungs.

BRAAP, BRAAP, BRAAP

I watched in the mirror as my pupils all but disappeared.

BRAAP BRAAP

I gripped the sink to steady myself. This was strong shit, much stronger than I usually got.

BRAAP, BRAAP, BRAAP

My legs turned to jelly beneath me. My vision went dark. Panic set in.

“Carrie? You ok?” I called though the door.

BRAAP, BRAAP, BRAAP

I tore open the door. Her skin was blue. Not “blue,” as in some medical parlance for “pale.” It was blue like a fucking blue thing. Like a crayon or a can of paint. She hadn’t moved, her eyes were closed, her mouth agape. Carrie! I pulled the sheet back. She was cold. Fuck! Fuck!

She had finally gotten her wish.

BRAAP, BRAAP, BRAAP

Baby, say something. Please, please, please say something.

I looked at the phone on the desk. No. I promised, I promised, I promised.

BRAAP, BRAAP, BRAAP

Above the desk was a framed photo that had appeared in Melody Maker magazine the year before. In it, she was topless, holding her breasts with her hands, the words “do not resuscitate” written across her chest in marker.

BRAAP, BRAAP, BRAAP

I threw the alarm clock against the wall.

I dropped to my knees by the bed and took her in my arms. I felt her wrist for a pulse, but my own heart was thumping so hard I couldn’t tell if it was hers or mine. Now that the clock was silenced, my staccato breathing drowned out any other sound in the room.

She would want me to hold her till it was too late. She would want me to hold her till it was too late. I sat on the bed rocking her in my arms. She would want me to hold her till it was too late. I fucking promised.

I sat on the steps outside and tried to light a cigarette but my hands were shaking too much to strike a match. I thought about how I didn’t know the difference between right and wrong anymore, or whether I ever did at all. I thought about when I came home from work last year on Christmas morning to find her in bed with a plastic bag over her head. I took off my boots and crawled into bed with her even though the mattress was soaked with piss. I untied the string she had used to secure the bag around her neck and pulled it off her.

“Not today, my dear,” I whispered.

She rolled over facing the wall, and sobbed. I held her in my arms until we both fell asleep.

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