I Hate Myselfie by Shane Dawson

Author:Shane Dawson
Language: deu, eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Atria/Keywords Press

THE MEAN GIRL GOT FAT

ABOUT THE ARTIST

Arturo André Jiménez is a teenager with a quiet and warm spirit. He has loved drawing since he was in kindergarten. Being born near the border of the United States and Mexico has given him a unique perspective, and he looks forward to making his own path in life. He has received several honors and is currently working on a drawing for his local hospital. You can find some of his work on his Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/AAJMART.

You know when you’re watching a terrible sitcom and something completely unrealistic happens to the main character and you are forced to suspend all disbelief until the show is over? Actually, that’s every sitcom episode ever made. One day I lived out one of my childhood fantasies and got to be the lead character in the shittiest sitcom ever created: my life.

It started as a pretty typical day. I got up two hours early to straighten my embarrassingly long hair. I needed it to look extra stylish in preparation for my new position. I worked at a weight-loss center, and I had been promoted from a counselor to a salesperson. The difference was that when you were a counselor you would weigh the client and offer a little bit of wisdom. When you were a salesperson you would introduce them to the program and beg them to give you their money and then hand them off to someone else to deal with. It may sound like salesperson would have been an uncomfortable job, but being a counselor was way more uncomfortable, considering most clients liked to take off all their clothes at the scale and give you a big, naked hug if they’d lost a pound. Knowing that today I wasn’t going to have to hug another naked, frizzy-haired soccer mom while some Kenny G song played on the lobby sound system made my life feel so much more worth living. I finished my hair, got into my tiny car, and practiced my sales pitch while driving to work.

As I walked into the center I was assaulted by my coworker Mag. She threw me into her office and locked the door.

Me: Mag, what’s going on?!

Mag: Nothin’. Want a donut? They’re filled.

Me: You dragged me in here for a donut?

Mag: No. I dragged you in here for a FILLED donut.

This wasn’t odd behavior for Mag. She was a loud, outrageous, hilariously outspoken old Jew with a thick New Jersey accent and enough perfume to cover up the scent of a dead body rotting in her basement. Which, by the way, is the reason she gave me for why she wore so much perfume. She was also a cancer survivor and would tell you so every chance she got. Sometimes when a client would complain about gaining a pound she would tell them, “At least you have both your breasts. I have to draw on my second nipple with an eyebrow pencil.” She really knew how to give her clients some perspective.

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