Hold the Line by Michael Fanone & John Shiffman

Author:Michael Fanone & John Shiffman
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Atria Books
Published: 2022-10-11T00:00:00+00:00

CHAPTER 16 Trauma Is Trauma

In the weeks that followed, Jimmy and I spent a lot of time together trying to make sense of what happened. At one point, Jimmy told my mom he was racked with guilt about what happened to me. In the Lower West Terrace Tunnel, one moment he had his hand on my back, the next someone called out “Knife!”

At the warning, Jimmy swiveled his head. When he looked back, I was gone. I’d have turned my head, too. In that situation, anyone would have. I didn’t blame Jimmy, and I told him so. If anything, he saved my life by wading into the fucking melee to help haul my ass back inside. He got my vest off when I was struggling to breathe, and got me to snap back to consciousness. I doubt I would have made it to the hospital in time without my partner.

Over many, many beers, Jimmy and I talked about the hypocrisy emerging on both the right and the left, and the personal and professional betrayals. We could not believe elected officials and ordinary citizens alike were already trying to mute our sacrifice and suffering. I had obtained a copy of my body-worn camera footage, and Jimmy and I watched the video again and again, critiquing our moves.

Looking back, I held on to that video like a security blanket. It was proof that I wasn’t crazy. Despite all the noise, the riot was real, and so were my injuries.

My scarred neck and back were still sore as fuck, and my head ached constantly. The doctors diagnosed me with post-traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD. They told me to expect unexplained mood changes, unexpected flashbacks to traumatic memories, and unusual physical and emotional reactions. They were right; in the first few weeks, I experienced all of those symptoms. Massages eventually helped heal my neck and back, but I struggled to find a psychologist who could really help heal my brain.

Everyone copes differently. Less than two weeks after the riot, two officers committed suicide. The first was Capitol Police Officer Howard “Howie” Liebengood, a fifteen-year veteran and son of a former Senate sergeant-at-arms. The second was MPD Officer Jeffrey Smith, who took a fucking crowbar to the head during the riot from a Trump supporter. By year’s end, two other MPD officers who responded to the Capitol assault also would kill themselves: Kyle deFreytag and Gunther Hashida. Though I didn’t know Kyle, I did know Gunther. In my first years on the force, we worked together targeting a crack house in the First District.

Another fallen warrior, Capitol Police Officer Brian Sicknick, died in the line of duty. On January 6th, Officer Sicknick engaged rioters and was badly injured around 2:30 p.m., when he was sprayed with chemicals by someone in the crowd. Later that evening, while still on duty guarding the Capitol, he suffered a series of strokes. He died the following morning.

Jimmy coped in his own way. In late January, he took off on a multi-week, cross-country trip, mostly camping solo at national parks.

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