Higher Ground by Anke Stelling

Author:Anke Stelling
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: FIC000000, FIC019000, FIC069000, FIC045000, FIC037000, FIC044000
Publisher: Scribe Publications Pty Ltd
Published: 2021-03-30T00:00:00+00:00

Tough luck

I go to bed. Down the long corridor, all in darkness. The floorboards creak.

The varnish Vera and I applied over ten years ago has been worn away down the centre. It doesn’t matter. It’s shabby chic. Will the landlord see it that way? What is the exact wording in the contract? Will we have to renovate before we move out? Re-varnish the floor before they sand it anyway? How will Frank find out if he’s managed to get rid of us? Will he send somebody round or come himself? What will he say?

Sven is asleep.

I undress and lie down next to him in bed. Protected by the twilight, his closed eyes, and our relationship sealed by four children, I look at his profile. How am I supposed to know what love is? It gives me a lump in my throat to look at him; I’d rather die myself than have somebody lay a finger on him. I’m afraid for him. Of him? It’s probably the same thing.

First, I saddled myself with Sven’s hungry heart, then with those of our four kids. It’s particularly bad when you’re all asleep, because then you’re all so beautiful it hurts.

Behind Sven’s nose, the wardrobe sticks up, and I focus on it: an ugly, half-broken thing. It won’t survive another move; Ikea furniture can’t be taken apart more than three times. But not having a wardrobe isn’t an option either, no more than not having children.

‘No one promised you a rose garden!’

Says Renate.

And I say: ‘Yes, they did. You planted your hope in us like a seed: hope for a fresh start, a new leaf. It sits there inside us, and speaks to us — and if not of roses, then of what? The promise lies in our existence. No, don’t deny it, Renate; I’m sorry that my gripes with your generation always end up at your door. No, I’m not sorry; actually, it’s your fault. You’re the one who raised the subject in the first place. We could’ve chatted over tea about unimportant things, but you didn’t want to. And why? Because the seed doesn’t add up to much, and nothing else adds up either. You need to do more than turn over a fresh leaf all the time. A few tips would be useful, a bit of practical advice. Sometimes it helps to cut notches into hard-coated seeds to help them germinate. Yes, I know, it’s an effort, and the knife might slip, but waiting and hoping is not enough. You’ve been here longer than I have, and you know your way around. Where did you leave the instructions? It’s unfair to hand something down but leave out the most crucial part. What are these figures for? What do these squares mean?’

Sven wakes up.

‘Resi?’

I’ve been tossing and turning. I can’t sleep.

Sven stretches out a hand and puts it on my neck. Pulls me towards him.

In three or four moves, Sven can take away my feeling of being a victim. I’m not alone and abandoned — quite the opposite.

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