Hardcore Grief Recovery by Steve Case
Author:Steve Case [Case, Steve]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Sourcebooks
Published: 2020-04-11T00:00:00+00:00
If God had loved themâ¦
If God wasnât mad at meâ¦
If I had gone to churchâ¦
If I had prayed betterâ¦
If I had given my life to the service of Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and saviorâ¦
Jesus Christ, this isnât helping.
This is bargaining. This stage focuses on a little thing we call guilt. Guilt and bargaining go hand in hand. You feel like you could have done somethingâor done something more. And then you manifest that vulnerability into these âif onlyâ thoughts.
Again, bargaining is not helpful, but it is totally normal.
Thereâs a good side to this phase of grief. Itâs buried, but weâll dig it out in a moment. But letâs start with what bargaining actually looks like. Itâs like haggling. You think maybe if you had done something different, then things would not have turned out his way. We use this to delay the inevitable feeling of grief. And to delay our guilt. And to delay asking the many, often unanswerable âwhys.â
Basically, bargaining is based on the idea that if you give something, youâre supposed to get something in return. But grief doesnât work that way. Grief is a fuck-face.
Ask yourself this: Who are you bargaining with?
God?
Waste of time. If you believe in the idea of God, then you already know God has everything. Nothing you can offer God is going to change the situation.
Think you are bargaining with the great forces of the universe? With Karma? Who?
There is never going to be a deal. The universe doesnât want anything from you. The universe doesnât have a stake in the game. Bargaining is just a manifestation of our desperationâour yearning to have some power in a powerless situation.
Letâs just say you strike a bargain. You call upon a higher power and say that youâll give up smoking and drinking and promise to go to church⦠Okay, fine. To seal the deal, the person you lost has to not be dead anymore.
What if you add in all the money in your bank account?
What if you promise to never think a mean thought or say a mean word again?
What if you take back all the bad shit that happened in the past?
All you want in return is for the person to not be dead anymore.
Thatâs not going to happen.
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