Hail to the Chin by Bruce Campbell

Author:Bruce Campbell
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: St. Martin's Press

Shedding a few layers in-between takes in order to beat the heat.

Avocados and bananas didn’t stand a chance in Miami. Eat them immediately, or you were looking at a blackened mess forty-eight hours later. Not even a sealed freezer could stave off a moldy death.

The rapid decomposition was so impressive that Ida and I had to change how we ate. We couldn’t assume that groceries bought on Sunday would be anything other than ooze by Thursday. Stockpiling wasn’t an option, so we shopped like Europeans, only buying what we would actually eat within the next couple days.

Our bicycles were also under attack – from corrosion. Being so close to the ocean, the air itself was 30 percent salt. Taking your bike in to the shop to get “de-corroded” was just routine maintenance.

After a few years, I became an old pro at living in the Magic City and an expert in harnessing the power of the sun. When I first arrived in Miami, I was still just another ignorant tourist. The character Sam Axe needed to be a tan man, the result of years of being a relaxed, poolside lounger. How do you get tan quickly? A tanning salon, of course!

The first time I went, the attendant knew nothing about the science of tanning or the mechanics of the beds. In retrospect, I shouldn’t have been so willing to allow some babbling, orange-colored dipshit bombard me with ultraviolet radiation. But my naiveté didn’t stop there. After being barbecued for way too long, at way too high of a setting, I casually headed out to the beach to catch some more rays.

It didn’t take a dermatologist to help me understand why I couldn’t sleep that night. Never again. Eventually, I would learn that fifteen minutes of sunbathing per side was all I needed to maintain a tan but not destroy my skin.

My costar, Gabrielle Anwar, absolutely loved the Miami climate. She was five-three and weighed only seven pounds, so she was immune to overheating. The Southern Florida climate was paradise to her. I think I only saw her sweat three times – and it’s possible that the sweat was added by the makeup department. Conversely, Gabrielle couldn’t tolerate air-conditioning. If a gust of cold, recycled air got too close, she’d start shivering, grab her set chair and drag it into the balmiest, sun-blasted spot she could find.

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