Grief Is a Journey by Kenneth J. Doka
Author:Kenneth J. Doka
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Atria Books
Parenting and Grieving
You may have other children who will also grieve. Their grief may come out in many different ways—physically, emotionally, cognitively, behaviorally, and spiritually. Some reactions such as sadness or crying are recognizable as grief. Others, such as changes in behavior, acting out behaviors, or even changes in interests or grades may not be immediately seen as grief. As parents, you need to be attentive to the ways that your other children may be dealing with the loss. Again careful observation and open communication are essential. If any of the children begin to behave in ways that are destructive to themselves or others, counseling may be helpful.
After a loss, children need love, caring attention, and structure. Studies have shown that the best predictor of children’s outcomes in grief is how well the family continues to function.5 Yet it is extremely difficult to both parent and grieve at that same time. For some parents, the presence of other children is a lifeline—one that gives meaning even in this time of loss. For others, it is an additional burden, complicating their grief.6 Sometimes the best thing to do for your children is to make sure you have the help you need to work well as a family. That help may mean counseling, or relatives or friends who can assist with your children as you cope with your loss.
Shay’s twin brother Scott, for example, began to feel that he perpetually lived in Shay’s shadow. He felt that every good achievement was attributed in some way to Shay, and he felt guilty that he did not seem sufficient to keep his parents’ minds off his deceased twin. He even felt constraint from his parents in being allowed to move things around in the bedroom he once shared with Shay. Scott began to act out. In counseling he confessed his frustrations, and in family therapy, the therapist helped Marla and Brian realize they had crossed a line in their memorializing of Shay and were making their other children feel marginalized. They were able to acknowledge both Scott’s and Heather’s individuality and need for attention.
Even as you honor the memory of the child who has died, you should do so in a way that is sensitive to the ongoing needs of your other children.
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