God Says No by James Hannaham

Author:James Hannaham
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Grove Atlantic
Published: 2009-08-26T04:00:00+00:00

ELEVEN

June 12, 1993 arrived—the day I thought God would start making me straight. Miquel considered this date our anniversary, because he counted from the night we met. The anniversary I thought of as real had taken place the day before. The slow breakup of our relationship and all the lingering memories of Annie and Cheryl made it hard for me to completely honor the date Miquel thought of as ours to celebrate. I bought him an anniversary gift of a stuffed Hobbes tiger. The night before, he’d told me he’d planned a complicated surprise for me.

Miquel woke me up that morning from my new place on the couch. He had insisted on taking back his own bedroom. I agreed because I thought it would make my transformation to a straight man easier on him. As soon as I woke, he had me sit up. He blindfolded me so that not even the tiniest sliver of light could get behind the black cloth. I listened to him prepare things in the kitchen. He turned on talk radio so I would have something to listen to.

I wanted very badly to see if I had any attraction to women, and I was frustrated that I wouldn’t be able to tell yet. For men, attraction has a lot to do with looking. Women’s voices on the radio didn’t arouse me. I imagined sexy women’s bodies attached to the voices, but that didn’t do anything either. Taking off the imaginary women’s clothes in my head wouldn’t have been the Christian thing to do.

Miquel escorted me outside and into the passenger seat of the car. Since I couldn’t use my eyes, I became more aware of my other senses. I heard far-off traffic, birdcalls, and the wheels of a tricycle creaking down the sidewalk. In the air I sniffed the oniony scent of freshly mowed grass, with pollen and dog poop under it.

Miquel drove around the neighborhood in a maze-like pattern, trying to confuse me, and then we got on the highway. I had no idea which highway or what direction we were going in. Mostly I thought about how to break all the news that I had for him. First I would say that I liked women, once I made sure that the Lord had taken care of that. Then I would reveal my real name to him. Then I would let him know that I wanted to return to my old life and my real family. It seemed like a lot to confess at one time. I wondered how he would react. He liked old thriller movies where lovers turned out to have secrets, so maybe it wouldn’t be so bad.

Miquel talked about celebrity gossip for most of the trip. Liza Minnelli was one of his favorite topics. She had recently had back surgery again. About an hour and a half later, the traffic became stop-and-go, and I could tell we had almost arrived somewhere. The car stopped, and the engine sputtered and shut off.

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