FEAST OF MEN by Ayn Dillard

Author:Ayn Dillard [Dillard, Ayn]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781642376883
Publisher: Gatekeeper Press
Published: 2019-06-17T16:00:00+00:00

REALITY AND THE PLAN

October 29

I awaken at eight-thirty emotionally drained and feeling as if I didn’t sleep at all. Today’s the day. A week of phone conversations, no physical contact and today will be the last time we’ll see each other for six months. I try to fall asleep again but it’s a lost cause. So, I get up and shower. I flip into stress as I’m having an internal fit, anxious to see and talk to Boyd. He told me that his wife was flying out early this morning, I wonder if it’d be safe to call? I told him not to call me until this afternoon, but judging by the way I’m feeling now. I may be dead by then.

Then I think—screw it, there’s something really wrong if I can’t call the man I love when I’m in this much stress. Yeah Natalie—duh, there’s something terribly wrong because the man you love is married. Except, if this is anything real, I should be able to call him.

I won’t wait until this afternoon because I’ve waited long enough. I want to see him now. Okay enough of this, I’m calling him. I am not putting myself though stress for one minute longer. What’s that saying? ‘You teach what you most need to learn.’ Well, this situation sure shows what happens when a person’s core issues are activated and stress shuts down a part of theie brain. I’m going from 0 to 10 on the stress scale and becoming emotionally dyslexic, even while I am trained as an observer to know what’s happening. It still happens, because I’m human and living proof. I’m the poster child for stress. Temporarily, I’ve lost it. I am so emotionally stressed about not seeing the man I’m falling in love with—because loving and being loved is the most important thing in the world to me.

Love is the one thing, I’ve always wanted and what’s been so elusive to me. Finally, I find the magic and the love and now, I have to be separated from it. Why, what and who do I need to become—Gandhi?

Do I have to be able to love then lose everything in my life over and over again, until I’m numb to the pain of it all? Is it so I’ll be able to handle anything and not crack? To be able to live without anything that I want while experiencing no stress to prove something to the universe. What am I trying to prove or learn? This just can’t keep on happening. This disappointment is way too much for me to continue dealing with.

Is this my challenge and what I asked for—for my soul’s growth? I laugh hysterically because all my intellectual knowledge isn’t helping me this morning. How many more lessons do I need to face and conquer? Of course, this married man thing is so damn stupid. I detest this type of betrayal and now, I am participating in it. But it’s as if a magnet is pulling us together and it’s impossible to resist.

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