Enough Already by Mary Hargreaves

Author:Mary Hargreaves [Hargreaves, Mary]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781409194682
Publisher: Orion
Published: 2021-06-09T14:00:00+00:00

19

I think Sarah and I may have developed the same coping strategies. I’m on my fifth shot of tequila; she’s on her sixth.

We’re in Tasha’s, a gay bar on Canal Street, and even though it’s Tuesday the place is packed. Jordan has managed to wangle us a booth in the corner and he is getting attention left, right and centre.

He’s in his element, chatting and laughing and batting away anyone who tries to come and squeeze into our sofa seats. There’s only us three, Aiden and a girl called Priya, who is shouting into my ear.

‘So how do you know Jordan?’

‘We met through a friend!’ I scream back, not knowing how much Jordan would want me to share. It’s sort of true; Fran is a mutual acquaintance.

‘Oh, cool!’ She nods in time to the music.

‘What about you?’ I try.

‘We’ve been friends since primary school. And yes, before you ask, he’s always been a total enigma.’

I laugh, imagining a tiny, four-year-old Jordan, confidently telling the teacher he thought her alphabet book was bollocks. I can’t think of anything more to say, so I go back to staring into my drink while Priya watches the dance floor, tapping her foot. Does she want to dance? I glance around the group. Sarah is talking to Aiden, and Jordan is resisting being dragged towards the stage to give an impromptu performance, shouting, ‘If you’re not paying me, I’m not doing it, Andy. I’ve told you!’

I feel really boring. If I were another version of me, a better version, I’d grab Sarah and Priya and head over to the dance floor, not giving a shit about anything but the music and having a good time. But I’m not in a parallel universe, and I’d probably end up on an epic fail video on YouTube.

I wonder if I’ll ever be fun. Maybe this is just me; maybe trying to be better is pointless. Perhaps it’s something in my DNA. I’m just a wallflower. But surely the fact that I feel like I want to dance means that there’s something inside me pushing against my fear?

Sarah has stopped talking to Aiden, so I lean into her ear. ‘Drink?’

We slide out of the booth and head over to the bar, ordering four more shots of tequila and knocking them back. I feel quite drunk now. I’ve had one and a half cocktails and seven shots of tequila in under an hour.

‘I feel like I want to dance,’ shouts Sarah.

‘Me too!’ I squeal. ‘But I can’t. I’ll make a tit of myself.’

‘Ugh, god, don’t you hate it?’ She leans in and blasts my eardrum. ‘Don’t you just fucking hate feeling like you’ve got to censor yourself all the time for no reason?’

‘YES!’ I nod, wanting to cry with how right she is. ‘It’s so, so shit. Who are we doing it for?’

‘I don’t know! I don’t bloody know!’ She runs her hand through her hair and I see her face for the first time, released from the veil of her fringe.

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