Dear Dad by Louie Anderson

Author:Louie Anderson
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: BIOGRAPHY & AUTOBIOGRAPHY, Entertainment & Performing Arts, Personal Memoirs
Publisher: Louie Anderson
Published: 2015-09-30T04:00:00+00:00

Brother, can you spare a dime

Dear Dad

In retrospect, the jolt I received by crashing headfirst into the long arm of the law was exactly what I needed to give some direction to my confused adolescence. The Justice Department spun me around, inadvertently set my life in order and gave me a second chance to prove myself. Secretly, I basked in the attention I received by getting in trouble. For a change, it was nice to be the focus of everyone’s concern, even if I did have to go before a judge to get it.

As a first-time offender, however, I was given six months’ probation, not a bad deal considering what the cops found me holding, and a probation officer. His name was Lyle Christenson, a gentle Scandinavian man who became a savior in disguise. He was the first adult male to take a serious interest in my welfare and future. Lyle was really concerned about me. He listened when I talked, laughed when I made a joke, and responded when I expressed fear. He also dispensed advice that had only my best interest in mind. To me, it was a unique relationship.

Looking back, I realize how important it was to have someone caring about me, prodding me to make something of myself, and making me give of myself as much as I took from others. It’s called “restitution” in the legal world. In my situation, it was more a case of emotional stability. Lyle convinced me to return to school. “Got to get your degree,” he’d constantly say. The thing is, I believed him. I re-enrolled at Johnson High, a newly motivated eleventh-grader, who attended class all day and then again for three hours at night to make up for the year that I’d missed. The prize was graduating with my class.

Did I mention that I was invited back to school to give a speech? I finally got around to investigating the offer and it turns out that they want to honor me as the most successful graduate of Johnson High. It’s a delicious irony, but the truth is, I feel like I have something to say to those kids.

I’ve always thought that I’ve had all the answers to the truly big questions in life. Parents should love their children. Children should enjoy being young. The things that taste the best are always the worst for your health and should be eaten in moderation except in times of extreme anxiety. And women should be in charge of everything. If they were, hunger and the homeless problems would be taken care of. Priorities would be hot meals and clean clothes. Drug-related crimes would probably ebb, too.

As it is now, the cops show up at a crack house, there’s a shootout or a mass arrest, people die or get thrown into overcrowded jails, they’re released a few weeks later, and the cycle continues unbroken. But imagine a knock on the door and the dealer sliding back the secret panel. “Oh shit!” he says.

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