Cthulhusattva: Tales of the Black Gnosis by Ruthanna Emrys & Gord Sellar & Vrai Kaiser & Jayaprakash Satyamurthy & Kristi DeMeester & Konstantine Paradias & Erica Ruppert & Jamie Mason

Author:Ruthanna Emrys & Gord Sellar & Vrai Kaiser & Jayaprakash Satyamurthy & Kristi DeMeester & Konstantine Paradias & Erica Ruppert & Jamie Mason [Emrys, Ruthanna]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Martian Migraine Press
Published: 2016-05-22T22:00:00+00:00

Lily gathered herself on the front step of a postwar rental, a boxy relic done in beige with pastel trim. The screen door was caved in like a hammock. The neighbor’s dog wouldn’t stop barking. She knocked.

From inside came the sounds of reality TV. Censored bleeps and orchestral swells gave it away. Gerald had done nothing but deride television back when they’d been together. Lily listened for details, something she could use in later conversation.

The door creaked open and Gerald appeared in a wrinkled T and saggy shorts. His forehead only came to her nose, his glasses needed cleaning. He seemed thinner, less there, as if their time apart had drained him. He blinked against the sun.

“Jesus, Lily.” He shifted uneasily. “I thought we agreed.”

“Yeah, I know. I wanted—”

He only met her eye for an instant. His own always found somewhere else to be.

“Just listen,” she said. “Things have happened. Things, to me...I want to say. I’m sorry, I mean. I want to say that.”

He gave a light laugh, meant to be disarming.

“I like your place.” She waited for him to brag. When the moment stretched long, she added, “You shaved.”

“It itched. It always did.”

“You look nice.”

A lie. He had a weak chin.

He gave a half shrug and took a step back.

“Wait,” she said, more emphatically than she’d meant.

He wanted to be anywhere but here, she could tell. This wasn’t how it was supposed to happen. In her imaginings, at this point they’d already been hugging; they’d forgiven each other and all their pointless mistakes. Yet she could salvage it. Focus was the key. She needed to be confident but not overbearing. Vulnerable, but not helpless. Somehow sexy, but not a whore. That’s what a guy wanted.

It was fucking impossible.

“Let’s just catch up,” she said. “I found some things of yours back at the place and got to thinking, that’s all. Maybe we can go out for coffee?”

“You drink now?”

Too desperate. Her cheeks burned. “Sure. I saw a cafe down the block.”

“It’s not very good.”

“Oh, I—”

“Listen,” he said, and she remembered their final day. Incompatible, he’d said then, he said now. Not her fault or his. Theirs. They’d had moments he would always cherish, and he hoped she would too, but it was time to move on.

“Nothing’s forever,” he said.

“That’s not true at all. I’ve seen it. I’ve felt it.”

He looked at her quietly. “Don’t come back, please?”

“Can I—” The door swung shut.

On the walk back to the van, her spirit spun in the muck of old memories: junior prom rejections, first dates that never led to a second. Through it all, her painted-on smile. She lifted her head, expecting an accusing scowl from Dice, but she was in the driver’s seat fiddling with her phone. An old habit, a new vice. When Lily climbed up and in, Dice gave her hand a squeeze.

They drove back to the apartment and Lily cried in the bathroom until she felt cleansed. She busied herself straightening. She mucked about the kitchen and then