Creating Myself by Mia Tyler

Author:Mia Tyler
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Simon & Schuster
Published: 2008-07-15T00:00:00+00:00

I treated my body as recklessly as every other aspect of my life. I picked up guys at clubs and amused myself by using a glow-in-the-dark ink pen to make notches on my bedroom wall. When the lights were off, my eyes would inevitably search out those marks standing out like a small army of stick figures marching past my bed, and past my lonely heart. I wasn’t making love. I was marking time.

Then the accidents began. One time Elle and I did nearly fourteen grams of coke in twelve hours. In my delirium, my nose bled and I ate the stream of bloody mucus. Another time I took twenty hits of E and thought ghosts were walking through me. I developed tremors from the pills. My body was pushing back, fighting for survival.

I couldn’t get high enough. I had no idea anymore how high was high. A couple of times I called my dad in a panic that I might have done too much of whatever drug I was doing at the time. But one night was worse than all the others. Alone, I was sitting on my bedroom floor after doing too much blow. With a bottle of tequila parked next to me, I spent God knows how long rocking back and forth in a fit of uncontrollable anxiety. I felt as if all the nervous energy in the world had been injected into my veins.

I didn’t have a clue what time it was, but I picked up the phone and called my dad. He picked up right away, so it must’ve been an odd hour. As soon as I heard his voice, I broke down.

“Slow down. Tell me what’s going on.”

“People are looking at me,” I cried. “I can’t go outside. I can’t go anywhere…”

Calm, my dad turned into a clinician, asking a series of questions that gave him a good idea of the details and gravity of the situation. This was the first time I’d been 100 percent frank with him after one of my emergency calls. I gave him as much information as I had, trying hard to remember as many details as possible, if only to prove to myself that I still had some control over my mind.

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