Contradiction Days by JoAnna Novak

Author:JoAnna Novak
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781646220779
Publisher: Catapult
Published: 2023-06-03T00:00:00+00:00

I went to the public bathroom, a door down a corridor smashed between shops. In the streaky mirror, I stared at every part of me that wasn’t my body. Sunglasses, hair, gold hoop earrings, rings. I did one hundred tricep pushbacks facing a hair dryer grungy with stickers.

Where had the hot louche moments of pregnancy gone? I thought back to brunch in Oklahoma City, how that morning we’d woken up in an immense industrial-loft four-room suite in the 21c Hotel (“Lady Gaga just stayed there,” the front desk clerk had boasted, upgrading our standard king), and I’d told my husband to find me on the couch. The curtains were open, tinted shades covered the enormous windows, muffling everything in shadow. It was still dark when he pushed me against a wall and nosed between my legs. I shut my eyes and stuck out my ass. His mouth on my neck. His tongue on my spine. I pressed my hands against the wall. My pulse came in my palms. I moved us to the daybed, he lifted my legs straight in the air, licked me, spread me. I said do you like to eat me out—eat me, empty me, gut me, swallow me, take me out of myself. Then the good woozy swim of being fucked when you’ve already orgasmed. The more pregnant I got, the harder I wanted him to fuck me, the more I liked him yanking my hair, cranking my neck, throttling me, putting his fingers in my mouth, fucking me so hard I heard his penis become a cock. Ruin me, destroy me, I used to think when we were trying to get me pregnant, his semen flooding my body with its bleachy perfume. Now I wanted him to fuck the baby out like he’d fucked the baby in.

And yet, maybe sex had deluded me. Tricked me into thinking pregnancy had its perks. “After you make love, you’re just so dumb,” says Martin. She describes sex as “fifteen minutes of physical abrasion.”

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