Christina (Daughters #1) by Leanne Davis

Author:Leanne Davis [Davis, Leanne]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Amazon: B00VH4ACZQ
Publisher: Leanne Davis
Published: 2015-06-28T23:00:00+00:00

Chapter Eleven

~Max~

WHEN I FEEL ANYTHING, I mean anything at all, I run. I fight. I avoid it. I do anything to keep those feelings from coursing through my system. I think I learned that as a kid in order to survive the brutality, neglect, abuse, and drugs of my childhood. I could disappear inside my head for hours. I forgot where I was, what I witnessed, and what was going on around me. Derek used to hide me in his bedroom for half a day. The first memories I have of my life are hiding somewhere with Derek. I can’t make out all the details. I couldn’t tell you where we were, what color the room was, or what was even in it. I just remember the dark and being somewhere cramped next to Derek. I found my only real escape was in my own head. Perhaps that’s why I didn’t talk. Everything outside of my head was far worse than what I could create inside me. So I didn’t interact or partake in what I saw, felt, or witnessed.

But like everything else, it’s all still inside me. It comes out when I can’t handle other people’s hands touching my skin. It also emerges in my few real connections. I’m a complete recluse when it comes to functioning in normal society. It doesn’t and hasn’t gone well for me.

And then there is that one feeling, which I know better than anything. That one emotion that exceeds everything else: rage. Red, dark, invasive rage that overwhelms me. It tightens my throat and sets my heart to hammering in my ears. It makes these crazy spurts of strength, most likely adrenaline, rush through me. It refuses to indulge in sanity and fear, the two things that might keep me safe. They keep most people safe. But I don’t want to be safe. I need a vent for what I feel, and the only real outlet I understand is fighting, hitting, kicking… and hurting. I don’t want to talk to Christina. I don’t want to hold her or have her hold me. Yet, I would do anything to relieve the hurt I’m feeling so much over her. Going there tonight was a mistake, and where I should not have been. Not while I’m in this destructive mood. I’m not cold and clinical, or ready to be fair. I just want to feel physically hurt, instead of suffering the hurt inside my mind.

I should have skipped the goodbye party; that’s pretty obvious now. But I thought I could do it. I thought I could fake my way through it. I knew she would. I’ve watched Christina rise to so many occasions and act “properly” even when I know she doesn’t feel like it. She goes to school even when she’s sick and pretends she’s not dragging herself through all her classes. She can be nice and kind and friendly even though I know she wants everyone to leave her alone. If she’s hurt, angry, tired, or just grumpy, she never takes it out on others around her.

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