Berzerkoids by MP Johnson

Author:MP Johnson [Johnson, MP]
Language: eng
Format: azw3, epub
Tags: QuarkXPress, ebook, epub
ISBN: 9781942712992
Publisher: JournalStone - Bizarro Pulp Press
Published: 2016-04-20T00:00:00+00:00

THE FINAL FAILURE OF A PROFESSIONAL SMALL ANIMAL INSIDE-OUTER

For a small animal inside-outer, skill does not always equal success. Terrence Nash had learned this the hard way. He could turn small animals inside out with the best of them, but where had that gotten him? A workshop in his grandma’s basement and a spot on her couch to rest his head, along with the smallest amount of income, enough to laughingly call himself a professional. He had the skill and the work ethic, but factors in the market made true success nearly impossible. He’d jumped on trends that hadn’t taken off, and had ignored others that could have rocketed him to super-stardom.

Appropriately, his workshop reflected more failures than successes, the most prominent being the cages filled with starving inside-out squirrels he hadn’t been able to sell. He didn’t have a heart callous enough to drown them in the sink and dispose of them. Instead he rubbed powdered acorns on their external stomachs and called them pet names like Rachel and Poulard. He had been certain they were going to be the next big thing after a Hollywood starlet was seen with one popping out of her designer pink purse. After all his work, a younger and hotter Hollywood starlet made magazine covers with an inside-out grass snake around her neck. Inside-out squirrels became passé before they even had a chance to come into vogue, so he was stuck with them.

Even his successes had been failures. The Professional Small Animal Inside-Outers Association had recognized him for his skill in inside-outing a binturong while preserving its buttered popcorn scent. He prized the trophy, but poor Binty had died after four years confined to a cage in the corner of the shop. Nobody had wanted to buy the magnificently crafted critter. On the day Binty died, Terrence had seriously considered torching the shop and returning to work at the mop factory full time. On days like today, he wished he had gone through with it.

On his work table lay a dead porcupine, his first loss in nearly a decade. He had been certain lacquering down the animal’s quills would allow him to achieve the one inside-outing deemed impossible by his peers. He had been wrong and he wasn’t about to try again after spending all night building up to this failure. Instead, he brought the carcass upstairs and dropped it on his grandma’s cutting board.

“It’s not bacon, but I can work with it,” she said cheerily.

“Thanks, Gram. Eggs?”

“Scrambled?”

“Please.”

He did his bathroom business, returning to the kitchen table with armpits smelling of apples and his remaining hair combed like a halo around his head.

Gram put a plate of porcu-meat and eggs in front of him and sat down on the other side of the table. “I would never be disappointed in you, even if you gave up.”

“I know you wouldn’t, Gram.”

“You know what I say: Giving up on one thing is not the same as giving up on everything. Until you’ve given up on everything, you’re still in the running for something.

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