As Good as Gold by Kathryn Bertine

Author:Kathryn Bertine [Bertine, Kathryn]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 978-1-933060-73-6
Publisher: Random House Publishing Group
Published: 2010-09-07T04:00:00+00:00

WATER BREAK

THE OLYMPICS ACCORDING TO PHLEGON

While researching the history of sports and seeking out those available to female athletes, I came across the ancient event of bull leaping. Unfortunately, I was a few millennia too late to qualify. In 1400 B.C.E., Minoan women were just starting to drive chariots and run foot races between their experiences of bearing the offspring of demigods and being turned into constellations by a cantankerous Zeus. One of the most popular events in the female athletic repertoire was bull leaping, where a woman would face a charging, rampaging bull, then proceed to grab the horns, vault over the bull, and land in a standing position on the bull’s butt. I, for one, am very happy this event never made it on the modern Olympic roster, as I’m quite sure it wouldn’t be the bull’s ass I’d be landing on. However, painted vases and hieroglyphicish pottery survive that suggest such events took place.

While our modern Olympic Games have been around for 112 years, a second-century historian named Phlegon claims the first Olympiad took place in 1065 B.C.E. I don’t know what happened there, but I’m guessing there was a rift between gods and mortals, because the inaugural games were immediately followed by a 181-year Olympic hiatus. The games were restored in 884 B.C.E. and apparently only humans took part in the festivities.

Still, some people claim that the true inventor of the Olympics was Hercules, who gathered a multitude of his otherworldly brothers to play some sports every few years—a tradition that supposedly inspired the Olympics. I like to think Herc’s little sister, Jennifercules, was invited to play too. But probably not.

Female athletes were eventually given their own Olympicish event in ancient Greece. The Heraean Games were set up to honor Zeus’ wife, Hera, and were open to women athletes throughout the country. Contestants were classified by age and virginity (or lack thereof). “Good evening gods and goddesses, prudes and sluts. Welcome to the Heraean Games at Madison Square Parthenon. Tonight’s events begin with the forty-year-old virgin hurdlers, immediately followed by the preteen prostitute pole vault. Winners, don’t forget to pick up your olive branch on the way out. Losers, please enjoy this nice cold glass of hemlock. Thank you for your participation!”

Apparently, the first women to compete in the Heraean Games also acted as peacekeepers between rival Greek cities. The Greeks were definitely on to something, letting female athletes hold office and negotiate peace terms. The United States and the United Nations should follow suit. Almost every professional female athlete I’ve encountered is educated, motivated, and just plain rational. Put a female athlete in the White House and their morning routine would be as follows:

6 A.M. Ten-kilometer run

7 A.M. Pancakes

8 A.M. Withdraw troops from Iraq

9 8:15 A.M. Protein smoothie

10 A.M. End world hunger

10 A.M. : Send aid to Darfur

11 A.M. Eight-minute abs

11:09 A.M. Sign bill doubling art, gym, and music budgets for every public, private, and charter school

11:10 A.M. Sign bill that NBC must televise all

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