Another Generation by Roberta Kagan

Author:Roberta Kagan [Kagan, Roberta]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2018-04-15T04:00:00+00:00

CHAPTER FORTY THREE

That night, John was working but Mark was off. Being alone in the apartment gave him time to think about everything that had happened. He wished he had more time with his father to talk about things. They had finally reached an understanding and then Dovid was gone. There was so much Mark wanted to tell his father. Never once had Mark had an opportunity to tell Dovid about the things he respected in him. In fact, out of fear of being too close to his father, Mark had always given people the impression that he thought of his dad as an old-fashioned man who was backward. However, the truth was that Mark admired many of Dovid’s qualities. And now that his father was gone, he would never have the opportunity to tell him. I didn’t think I would feel this way. I thought that when he went I would be fine. But the strange thing is, I miss him. I miss what could have been between us. I wish I could have asked his advice on so many things but I just couldn’t bring myself to talk to him then. And sadly, he was uncomfortable around me. I guess he probably sensed that I was gay all along and it was his biggest fear. He didn’t know how to handle having a gay son. Mark felt tears sting the back of his eyes. So much opportunity for love and closeness between my dad and me is now lost forever.

John was right. I should have come out earlier. There were too many secrets between us. Then when I did come out, I should have forced my father to talk to me even though he told me to go away. I could have persisted. I could have called the house every day. I should have found a way to make him listen to me. Too late now. And John. What about John? I feel like there is a giant wedge of iron standing between us. A terrible lie. Even though I know all is well. I am fine. The test was negative. I should be able to put it in the past. Even though I know all of this. That night with Gene, the HIV test . . . all of it . . . secrets. Secrets that are eating away at me like a cancer. I can’t even relax in John’s arms without thinking about the secrets that lie between us. If I tell him, I could lose him. If I don’t, then we could lose the wonderful love and trust that our whole relationship is built upon. I could call Abby tonight and ask her, again, what she thinks. She told me already to make up my own mind. But if I really pressed her for an answer, I know what she’d say. She’d tell me to bury the secret. She’d say to forget the whole thing. To put it out of my mind and never tell him.

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