All the Lovers in the Night by Mieko Kawakami

Author:Mieko Kawakami [Kawakami, Mieko]
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi
Publisher: Europa Editions
Published: 2022-03-06T23:00:00+00:00

I came back from the bathroom to find Mizuno slumped on the floor, hugging one knee, and looking down. Not moving a muscle. The other leg extended through a faint scrap of evening sunlight.

I felt as though now that the heat and the sun had abated, the edges of everything around me had blurred. And while I could still clearly hear the sound of my own heart, it sounded strange to me, as if it wasn’t coming from inside, but from some other place altogether.

From where I stood by the door, I listened to this sound and let my gaze fall on the dresser or the desk or Mizuno’s legs, tracing each of these things in my mind. I heard a crow caw somewhere in the distance. A gust of wind blew through the curtains, sending a strange mass of stillness out the door. Mizuno sat there in the same position, not moving for a very long time. Neither did I.

“I need to get home before it gets dark,” I said. I sounded weirdly hoarse. Somehow it reminded me of my mother’s voice. I took a deep breath, paused, and let it out slowly, so that it didn’t just come bursting out of me. In no time, the sun was hanging low in the sky, getting heavier, while the occasional gusts of wind carried a hint of night.

“I’ll go with you,” Mizuno said, squeezing the words out, his face still buried in his arms.

“It’s okay,” I said a moment later.

Mizuno took a deep breath through his nose, raising his face a little, then looked down again.

I picked up my bag, sitting on the floor by Mizuno. When I did, he told me he was sorry, barely loud enough to hear.

“. . . Earlier,” I said, “you were saying you wanted to go to Tokyo . . . so you could make your own decisions.”

I spoke slowly, deliberate in my articulation of each word.

Mizuno nodded a few times, his forehead pressed against the arm holding his knee.

“So, what just happened . . . which one was that?”

“Which what?” Mizuno looked up at me and asked.

“Was that one of your decisions?”

“Decisions?” he asked, looking right at me. I looked right back at Mizuno. In my head, I knew exactly what I wanted to ask him, but I wasn’t able to find the words to get my point across. Even so, I couldn’t keep quiet. The words came out of my mouth on their own.

Mizuno frowned. “What decisions?” he said, sharpening his tone.

“I mean . . .” I managed to say, but it was all that I could get out.

“Do you think there’s some connection between what I want to do for college and what we just did?” Mizuno asked, looking aggravated.

“I mean, that’s why I’m asking you.”

“You mean? You mean what? I have no idea what you’re trying to say,” he said, scowling. “Know what? I take back my apology,” he said after a pause. “You chose to come over, and you were part of what we did, same as me.

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