A Scarcity of Condors by Suanne Laqueur

Author:Suanne Laqueur [Laqueur, Suanne]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Suanne Laqueur
Published: 2019-12-05T01:59:19+00:00

“What about us?” Jude said.

“You and I are finished,” Feño said. “It’s over. It’s done. I came here to say goodbye.”

“And just like that, you’re straight?”

“It was a phase.”

“Oh spare me.”

“I got it out of my system. It’s nothing I am anymore.”

“Bullshit.”

“I’m in a different phase of my life.”

“You’re gay.”

“Shut up.”

“You’re gay, Fen. You can’t pretend or pray it away.”

“What the hell do you know about it? You weren’t there. You don’t know the work I did.”

“The work denying yourself to please your parents?”

“The work finding myself. Finding God. Finding the way. Putting away childish things and figuring out my family is the most important thing to me.”

“Childish things. So fucking me was basically a game of duck duck goose?”

“It’s not me anymore. I have a bigger purpose now.”

“What, getting married, pumping out some kids and having a boyfriend on the side? Gonna cruise the altar boys at Sunday mass?”

Feño seized two handfuls of Jude’s shirt and slammed him back into the wall. Held him pinned there while the toe of one foot pressed into Jude’s shin. Precisely. Expertly. Knowing the fault line along the bone where it hurt under pressure. Their eyes burned, unblinking. Their bodies burned, poised on an edge.

“How bad do you want me right now?” Jude said.

Feño’s lips drew back from his teeth and he didn’t answer.

“Want me to turn the other cheek,” Jude said. “Or turn both of them?”

The fists in Jude’s shirt tightened. Feño’s jaw twitched with the effort to suppress a comeback.

“I know you,” Jude said. “I know you better than anyone. And I know you want me.”

“Shut up.”

“You’re hard for me. I don’t even need to look down.”

“Shut. Your mouth.”

Jude’s finger drew down the placket of Feño’s zipper. Tracing the bulging outline. “Told you.”

Tears filled Feño’s eyes.

“Why are you doing this,” Jude whispered, making his hand soft and gliding it up Feño’s side. Around his back and pressing between the trembling shoulder blades. “You don’t have to do this.”

“It will kill my mother,” Feño said through his teeth. “You don’t understand how she relies on me to—”

“To be something you’re not? She’s the parent, you’re the kid, you’re not responsible for her happiness and security. She has a husband for that.”

“He’s not her husband, he’s her fucking master. Don’t you get that either? I’m the only thing standing between her and three men who use her as a punching bag. I can’t leave. And I can’t stay and be gay.”

“What happens when she dies?”

“Shut up.”

“Nobody lives forever. At some point you—”

“Don’t fucking do this to me, Jude.”

“I’m doing nothing but loving you.” Jude took Feño’s face in his hands. “Come with me. I’m the most honest thing in your life right now. You can be yourself with me. We can find somewhere to—”

“I belong with my people. Not with you. This is done. You and I are finished.”

“Maybe you’re done with me, but you’ll never be done with who you really are. You can stuff yourself into a new life but look me in the eye and tell me you’ll forget what we had.

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