A Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia by Wasted

Author:Wasted [Wasted, Wasted]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: ePub Bud (www.epubbud.com)
Published: 2012-08-01T04:00:00+00:00

Wasted / 151

and moaning about how awful it was to have to eat, balking at the slightest drop of grease on our poached fish, taking as long as we possibly could to finish our food. The fact was, I was in seventh heaven. My life revolved around meals. Never believe an eating-disordered person who says she hates food. It's a lie. Denied food, your body and brain will begin to obsess about it. It's the survival instinct, a constant reminder to eat, one that you try harder and harder to ignore, though you never can. Instead of eating, you simply think about food all the time. You dream about it, you stare at it, but you do not eat it. When you get to the hospital, you have to eat, and as truly terrifying as it is, it is also welcome. Food is the sun and the moon and the stars, the center of gravity, the love of your life. Being forced to eat is the most welcome punishment there is.

In the little eating room, a nauseating late-1980s aesthetic will prevail. Heavy on the mauve. There will be a schoolroom clock on the wall, round glass face glinting with the ugly light of those long, humming fluorescent bulbs. You will stand in the doorway for a minute, looking for your tray. It will have your menu beside it. You will spot it, like spotting the face of a lover in a crowd, move toward it, feign disgust, pull your chair back, sit down. At first, you will honest-to-god be mortified, and really not hungry. Your stomach is shrunken, you are very simply afraid of food, and you will cry in despair. But as the body begins to come alive again, you begin to feel hunger, a racking sort of hunger, and you will damn near cry for joy.

Your menu: you have been given a chart, which tells you how many calories you have to eat per day. It breaks that number down into categories: Proteins, breads, milks, vegetables, fruits, desserts,

“satieties” (fats). These numbers dance like sugarplums in your head. The obsessive-compulsivity2 that you used to channel into hyperactive management of time and work is rerouted to a place where it can do some real good, and it twitches in your face like a tic when you sit down, each day, with your

2The obsessive-compulsive behaviors that creep up concurrent with eating-disorder symptoms are not necessarily the same as obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). The eating disorder, and the biochemical malfunctions that it causes, also cause obsessive thoughts and behavior, which often decrease or disappear when the eating disorder is under control. OCD

is a separate disorder, and while it is relatively common in eating-disorder patients, the two do not necessarily go hand in hand. I myself do not have. OCD, but when anoretic I sure as hell seem to.

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