Zombie Versus Fairy Featuring Albinos by James Marshall

Author:James Marshall
Language: eng
Format: mobi, epub
ISBN: 9781771481427
Publisher: HarperCollins Canada
Published: 2013-11-12T22:00:00+00:00

CHAPTER

FIFTEEN

Aircraft Carrier / Pirate Ship

I won’t bore you with the details. I won’t tell you how amazing it is to see Fairy_26 again or how incredible it feels to see, believe, no, to know, she’s excited to see me, too. I won’t go on about the formula or the music it makes.

I won’t explain what it’s like to have a gorgeous and kind green-haired fairy dangle you, a zombie, while the two of you whip over the ocean’s water and waves and through its fresh air to Guy Boy Man’s aircraft carrier / pirate ship. Now Fairy_26 and I are onboard, in a room, waiting for an audience with the sixteen-year-old trillionaire pirate. Two steely-eyed square-jawed soldiers keep automatic weapons trained on us. A few minutes later, Guy Boy Man breezes in. I’m awed and overwhelmed. I can’t believe I’m in the same room as he. He’s a saviour, a rebel, an enemy of the establishment: the zombies, albinos, and the Pope. Guy Boy Man wears the Pope’s tall golden white pirate hat, which he had pirated, making it his pirate hat, and out from under which Guy’s crazy black hair now sticks; Guy Boy Man wears a ceremonial robe made of shiny high-tech white plastic. He blows past where Fairy_26 and I stand, at the back of the room, guarded by square-jawed steely-eyed soldiers, to the front of the room. As he goes, I see glimpses of what’s beneath his robe: pirate breeches and a loose-fitting white linen shirt and, of course, a lot of handguns.

“Leave us,” says Guy Boy Man, moving behind a podium, opening a bottle of whiskey, lighting a cigarette, and waving the soldiers away.

They lower their weapons and begin to go.

“That was a test!” cries Guy Boy Man, throwing open his hands, gawking at them, incredulous. “Never leave me! You’re my elite soldiers!” Guy draws one of his shiny silver handguns, pointing it at me. “This dude is a zombie, right? I don’t know if you’re familiar with zombies, but zombies eat people!” He taps the gun’s muzzle against his chest. “I am people.” Guy shakes his head. “I don’t want to be eaten by zombies.” He gestures at me, again, with the gun. “Obviously, I have this dude covered. Okay? Don’t get me wrong. I can take care of myself. I’m badass.” Holding a whiskey bottle in one hand and with a cigarette dangling from between his lips, Guy waves at me with his weapon. “I could take him out no problem. Bang,” he says, mocking the gun’s recoil. “All right? Bang. I put zombies down. I do the same to suckahs, fools, and little bitches. I take them out. That’s what I do. On a regular basis.” He nods. “Pretty much all the time. That’s what I do.” He keeps nodding. “I’m not kidding.” He stops nodding. He waves around his weapon. “Think of it from my perspective. I pirate trillions of dollars from the economy and, in the process, make a lot of enemies, a lot of whom are zombies.

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