You Better Not Cry: Stories for Christmas by Augusten Burroughs

Author:Augusten Burroughs [Burroughs, Augusten]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Humor, Family
ISBN: 978-1429943758
Publisher: St. Martin's Press
Published: 2014-09-29T16:00:00+00:00

If you have to be single and you have to be bitter and you also have to be without family for the holidays, Manhattan is the only place to be. And praise Jesus for the Jews, the Chinese, and the alcoholics. If it weren’t for them, I wouldn’t be able to have sex, eat, or forget all the people I’d had sex with.

As I turned onto Twelfth Street I thought, But that’s what’s so great about New York. All these people exist here and they don’t give a shit about Christmas, either.

Let the Upper East Side bitches drag their oily hedgehog hedge fund husbands from party to party. I will get drunk and have sex with the Jews. I will order General Tso’s chicken.

While I sip my Rolling Rock, all the little sheep-shoppers will race from one store to another and pass out five dollar bills to the bums. Which really should be against the law, like feeding the pigeons.

It was as if an infection, an actual virus, swept the nation once a year.

Fortunately, my brittle exterior provided immunity. And as I reached my apartment building I thought, Why? Why go upstairs when I could get a head start on Christmas and reverse my awful current state of sobriety. It was, after all, less than forty-eight hours away. That’s only a couple of bars in alcoholic time. Which was like dog years, except without the fleas.

I had a mice-in-the-oven kind of life. I might as well turn on the gas.

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