Touching From a Distance by Deborah Curtis

Author:Deborah Curtis [Deborah Curtis]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9780571322411
Publisher: Faber & Faber
Published: 2012-06-29T16:00:00+00:00

CHAPTER EIGHT

ON A RAZOR’S EDGE

By May 1979, Joy Division were used to playing at the Russell Club in Hulme, Manchester. Tony Wilson hired what was in effect a social club for tenants of the council flats and once or twice a week its name was changed to the Factory. It was a bleak place, mirroring the area in which Ian had lived during his adolescence in Macclesfield. Hundreds of dark windows stared at the car park outside the club and I was forever haunted by the feeling that I was being watched. Of the many Factory gigs, this one was particularly important for me – it was my first evening out since having Natalie.

Ian and I drove there together and after I had parked the car we walked across to the doors of the club. I was still half a stone overweight, but managed to squeeze into a pair of jeans. Ian put his arms around me, kissed me and said how proud he was of me. To him, I looked the same as before. It was a great set. The band were better than ever and they had built up a serious following. I stood in the audience admiring my husband with everyone else. I considered myself to be well organized in my new role. I felt self-satisfied and happy in my ignorance – I believed the depressive image and emotive lyrics merely to be part of the act. Joy Division were on the brink of success and despite other people’s misgivings, I was holding on to my husband and my baby. Even before Natalie’s birth, Mr Pape, my old boss at the County Court in Macclesfield, had warned me that I may not be able to have both.

It would be wrong to say my personality didn’t change when I became a mother. My life was no longer centred on Ian. Now I had this small person who was totally dependent on me. I had always felt responsible for lan’s well-being, but when our daughter arrived I naturally expected him to adjust and make her the centre of his life too. Not that I stopped caring for Ian, but Natalie always came first and in refusing to help me I often felt that Ian was pressurizing me to choose between them. My mother would give me little hints such as, ‘Before he comes home from work, move the drying nappies away from the fire to make him feel welcome.’

Joy Division were gigging regularly during May – at least one a week, sometimes two – and were even interviewed on Radio Manchester. It was hard for Ian as he was still working full time, and his doctor had advised him to get early nights and not to work too hard. On the evening of 24 May 1979 we were having a quiet night at home. He began to feel unwell and had four grand mal attacks, one after the other. I was unable to wake him from the fourth attack, so I rang my mother to come and look after Natalie and then called an ambulance.

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