The Other Side of Leaving by Jacqueline Ramsden

Author:Jacqueline Ramsden [Ramsden, Jacqueline]
Language: eng
Format: mobi, epub
Published: 2022-06-24T00:00:00+00:00

Sixteen

Tilly stared at her therapist, Rory. She often found she didn’t have answers to her questions but this one was so obvious it left her questioning why she’d need an answer to begin with.

Rory smiled gently. “Would you like me to rephrase?”

“No, not really. Or, maybe?” Tilly tilted her head. She didn’t need the question rephrasing, she was just curious how Rory would think to ask that a second way.

“Would it really be the worst thing to explain to Frankie what you’re working through? You’ve named that she’s a great friend, she’s also queer so has been here herself, I’m sure she’d understand.”

Tilly felt her mouth twist. It wasn’t any better this way than the blunt ‘Have you considered just telling Frankie?’ from before. “It categorically would be the worst thing because, you know, she’d hear me, and then she’d know.”

“What happens when she knows?”

I die. “Things get awkward.”

Rory nodded, pausing for a moment. “Why do they get awkward?”

Tilly fidgeted with the teal and mustard yellow pillow on her lap. It had taken her seven months of coming here for her to feel comfortable holding the cushion, even though Rory had offered Tilly both it and the blanket in every session. Now, the feel of the fabric under her fingertips was as much a part of therapy as Rory’s voice and gentle gaze. “Because our whole friendship is built on a foundation of me being straight. If I tell Frankie I’m not, suddenly things look a whole lot different. Maybe she wouldn’t have done certain things if she knew I was… whatever I am. And that’s not even going into the specifics of it being her that I… like.”

Rory shifted in her seat, pulling one of her ankles up under her in the armchair she occupied. “Would you be upset if Frankie came to you and told you she’d done some thought and her sexuality was different than she’d told you?”

“Well, no.” Tilly furrowed her brow. That would never be a problem. It never had been and it wasn’t about to become one now. “But it’s different.”

“Because it’s different for everyone else or for some other reason?”

Tilly knew this conversation, they had it a lot. She knew it was normal to be having it over and over again when she had such different standards for everyone else than she had for herself. She was just glad that Rory was never judgemental when she asked, she was just making Tilly think about things, attempting to get her to be nicer to herself. “Firstly, because I’m sure Frankie would have a better understanding of herself than I do. If she asks me questions, I don’t even know how to answer half of them since I don’t know what exactly I am. Secondly, because she likely wouldn’t be telling me she’d realized all of this by finally acknowledging she had a crush on me.”

“You think she’d respond poorly to knowing you like her?”

Tilly thought about it. She’d done nothing but think about it. And no, she didn’t actually think Frankie would react badly.

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