The New York Regional Mormon Singles Halloween Dance by Elna Baker

Author:Elna Baker
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Penguin Group (USA), Inc.

After this fateful FHE, I was more determined than ever to win Brady.

I bought every manual ever written on landing a man, and I started reading them: Mr. Right, Right Now!, Why Men Love Bitches, and Sex and the Single Girl (which is totally pointless if you’re Mormon).

And then I found The Fascinating Girl, a book my grandparents had given my mother in the seventies. “To our own fascinating girl,” the dedication read. “Christmas 1972, Love, Mom and Dad.” I read the pearly white book cover to cover. It was all about getting a man by reverting to the 1920s style of being submissive. There was an entire chapter called “Unlearning Your Efficiency,” and another one on Angela Human. Half human, half domestic goddess, she was the ideal woman from a man’s point of view. My favorite chapter, “How to Make the Most of a Picnic,” encouraged the reader to “not just sit there” but to explore the path and get into predicament after predicament—allowing the man to assist her with his strength and cunning. When I finished the book I thought, This can’t possibly work.

I decided to practice on Brady. “Compliment his masculinity: A man’s most central need . . . is to be admired for his masculine traits—his strength, aggressiveness, idealism, manly courage and determination. Admire him by using words like: big, tough, brute, invincible and indominatable.”

When I passed Brady in the hallway at church the following Sunday, I said, “You look strong and bearlike today.” He beamed. This has to be joke, I thought.

It was the gateway drug. Once I realized that the methods—while seemingly outdated—worked, I shamelessly started using them.

I waited for FHE to make my second attempt.

Timorousness: “You can practice timorousness around men by first unconsciously performing some task, then when you realize that the man is noticing you, suddenly become self-conscious and confused.”

I walked over to Brady and began, “Your tie is crooked; can I fix it?”

“Sure,” he said.

Holding onto the knot, I delicately tugged at the base of the tie. Then I stopped suddenly, and held Brady’s gaze. I’m so hot for you, my eyes said. Oh, dear. I looked down at the floor. Now I’m shy.

It left him speechless.

But this was nothing compared to the finale—the icing on the cake—“The Beauty in Distress Method.” Similar to “Making the Most of a Picnic,” this chapter explained that every man wants to be your hero, so you should create situations where you are a beauty in distress so the man can save you.

I was passing Brady in the hallway after a church activity. The usual flock of girls, Amber Cunningham included, surrounded him.

“I’m organizing a soup kitchen,” I heard Amber say.

That’s when the idea came to me: beauty in distress.

In one swift movement I emptied my purse upside down so that all the contents spilled out. As I did this I let out an “Oh, no!” and pretended to trip. It was more realistic than I expected. I forgot that my iPod was in

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