Our Gang by Roth Philip

Author:Roth, Philip [Roth, Philip]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 0101-01-01T00:00:00+00:00

5. THE ASSASSINATION OF TRICKY

The President of the United States is dead. We repeat this bulletin. Trick E. Dixon is dead. That is all the information we have at this time. The White House has refused to comment on an earlier bulletin announcing that the President of the United States is dead. The White House Bilge Secretary says, “There is no truth whatsoever to reports of the President’s death,” but adds that he will not “categorically” deny the story at this time. Conflicting stories continue to circulate concerning the death of the President. A second White House announcement has now called attention to the President’s schedule for the day, pointing out that no mention is made there of dying. Also released was the President’s schedule for tomorrow, wherein there also appears to be no plan on the part of the President or his advisers for him to die. “I think it would be best,” said the White House Bilge Secretary, “in the light of these schedules, to wait for a statement, one way or another, from the President himself.”

Reports out of Walter Reed Army Hospital now seem to confirm the earlier bulletin that the President of the United States is dead. Though the circumstances surrounding his death remain unclear, it appears that the President was admitted to Walter Reed late yesterday for surgery. The purpose of the secret operation was to remove the sweat glands from his hip. That is all we know at this time. The Vice President has flatly denied reports of the President’s death. Here is a portion of the Vice President’s remarks, made as he was on his way to address the National Yodeling Association: “Now this is just the kind of reckless rot and rotten recklessness that you can expect from the vile vilifiers who are out to vilify vilely.”

“What of the reports, Mr. Vice President, that he had secretly entered Walter Reed last night to have the sweat glands removed from his hip?”

“Hogwash and hokum. And hooliganism. And heinous. I spoke to him only five minutes ago and found him fit as a fiddle. This lachrymose lie is a lamentable lollapalooza launched by the lunatic left.”

Unconfirmed reports from Walter Reed Hospital now indicate that the President was found dead at seven A.M. this morning. No word yet on the cause of death, or where he was “found.” Speculation mounts that death came following surgery for the removal of sweat glands lodged in the hip. We take you now to Republican National Headquarters, where the chairman of the national committee is meeting with reporters:

“I cannot believe that the great majority of Americans are going to keep this great American from a second term in the White House just because he is dead, no.”

“Then you are admitting, sir, that he is dead?”

“I didn’t say that at all. I said, I just don’t think that his death, if it were to come about between now and the election, would affect his popularity with the great majority of Americans.

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