Man Up!: Tales of My Delusional Self-Confidence by Ross Matthews
Author:Ross Matthews [Matthews, Ross]
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi
Tags: Humour
ISBN: 9781455501793
Publisher: Grand Central Publishing
Published: 2013-05-07T07:00:00+00:00
Chapter Ten
Practically Paw-fect in Every Way
As I sit here in my cozy little Los Angeles home, typing away on my laptop, I am flanked on either side by my favorite “laptops” of all: my precious pups, Louise and Mijo. Along with my partner, Salvador, we are a perfect family. It’s hard for me to remember a time when we didn’t wake up to these furry joyful faces, tongues hanging out beneath their big brown eyes, their tails wagging enthusiastically. I truly believe that destiny brought us all together. But to really tell the story of how this human-dog family came to be, we have to go back in time to a day before these two cuddly canines were even born.
Dogs are nothing new to me. I grew up in a family that loved big dogs. That’s all we ever had—wonderfully large, floppy, slobbery canines. The first official Mathews pup was a Springer Spaniel. I know what you’re thinking: That’s a large dog?!?
But, come on, gimme a break. I was three years old and everything seemed big to me then. Her name was Bootsie, and because I was so young at the time, my only remaining memory of her is a photo taken of us when I had chicken pox. We were both covered in matching spots: hers brown, mine bright red. Adorable, right?
After Bootsie, we had Iggy, named after Ignatowski, my dad’s favorite character on Taxi (played by Christopher Lloyd, best known as Doc Brown in the classic Back to the Future, the pretty good Back to the Future 2, and the crapfest Back to the Future 3 ).
Our dog Iggy was a big, strong golden Lab, and an expert hunter. Witnessing Iggy diligently deliver mallard after dead mallard to my father’s feet left my dad’s hunting buddies in awe. “Shit, Tom, you ol’ cocksucker,” they’d marvel, “that son of a bitch Iggy is the finest damned dog I ever did see.”
They were right. Iggy really was the best. He must have weighed like a hundred pounds, and yet he’d purr like a tiny kitten when I’d pet him. I had such a great childhood with Iggy. While he gnawed on enormous Flintstones-sized soup bones out on our backyard patio, I used to sit on the other side of the sliding glass door with a dry erase board, trying to teach him English. I found it so frustrating that he couldn’t speak and I yearned to know what he’d say if only he could. He’d stare attentively at me as I delivered my lecture. “A is for apple! A sounds like ‘Aaaaaayyyyyy.’ You like apples, don’t you, Iggy? If you say it, you can have all the apples you want!”
This was pre–cell phone, or I would have the footage to prove it, but I swear one time he almost said it.
We truly had a soul connection, Iggy and I. He lived until the ripe old age of fifteen, when the agonizing pain in his hips finally took its toll. Dogs can
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