Like a Bird: A Novel by Fariha Róisín

Author:Fariha Róisín
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Unnamed Press
Published: 2020-01-15T00:00:00+00:00

18.

I woke up that morning feeling unresolved. Happy, in a state of wild bliss, but like a thread of loose yarn I was being yanked. I couldn’t believe what had actually happened the day before. Had I truly kissed Ky? Could it be real? I bobbed my head up to look at my empty, cavernous room. A new beginning. I wanted to feel settled, I wanted to feel embraced. I yearned to make this room a home, this home a home. But now I had gone and kissed Ky, and everything felt both meaningful and too loaded. The light was coming in from my window, the trees like guides, a star constellation that ushered me in to my higher self. I lay with the shattering feeling of remorse, or maybe more shame, which overcame me. I knew I had to tell Jade. So I called her. She had given me her number offhandedly, in a spooked way, as if to keep tabs on me. I felt angry at both myself and her for knowing.

“Hello?”

“Hey, um, Jade?”

“Yes?”

“This is Taylia.”

“Who?”

“Uh, Taylia.”

“Oh right. Ky’s roommate.”

I took an unacceptable pause.

“Taylia, I’m sorry, but I’m on another call with a client, I thought you were somebody else so I picked up. Is everything okay?”

She annoyed me so much.

“Uh, Ky’s not doing too well.”

“What do you mean?”

She still didn’t know.

“Roman died.”

“What? Are you serious? The fuck… Oh my God… How… the fuck?”

“I_”

“When did it happen?! How did this happen?”

“To be honest, I’m not so sure.”

“Tell Ky I’ll be right over.”

He kissed me. He kissed me!

“Okay.”

I heard her fidget on the other side.

“Poor baby.” She was sniffling.

I winced. Her romantic vernacular seemed so forced.

“Thanks for calling me, Tahlia.”

“Taylia.”

I heard the irritation in her voice. “Sorry, Taylia. I’ll be there soon. Let him know that, won’t you?”

But I wouldn’t.

What if I was sidelined by her? What if what had happened in his bedroom was just a reaction? What if it was just his way of numbing the pain? What if he had mistaken me for Jade, hoping to lose himself in me, not caring who or what I may be, only craving the satisfaction of blanking out for a few seconds so that the trauma could be overwritten by nonparalyzing mistakes? I didn’t want that to be me. For once I so desperately wanted to be a positive choice.

Jade stayed over that night. I wondered if she fucked him. I thought about that until I finally allowed myself to fall asleep. I waited for sounds of moaning, my ears turned to the door, red with impatience. I watched the stairs, but I was confronted by silence. I imagined Jade in bed. I wondered if she moved sinuously like actors in the movies. Did she ask for more, did she get on her hands and knees and get him to fuck her hard? I couldn’t picture her talking dirty and I couldn’t imagine her coming, her face contorted into forms of passion; everything about her seemed so wooden, almost mechanical.

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