Let's Hope for the Best by Carolina Setterwall

Author:Carolina Setterwall
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781526604934
Publisher: Bloomsbury Publishing
Published: 2019-04-15T11:52:58+00:00

OCTOBER 2014

You wore yourself out during the move. You’re exhausted. All you want to do is sleep. You don’t have the energy for anything. When you play with Ivan you often lie on the floor next to him. When he crawls away, you don’t always follow. Then Ivan turns, crawls back to you, nobody makes our son’s face light up like you do. Even when you’re tired. Several times I’ve found you lying alone on his blanket on the floor while Ivan explores the rest of the apartment. When you lift him up, it looks like you’re struggling, as if he’s suddenly too heavy. I worry about you and wonder if it’s a virus or if it’s a psychological response to the move. You didn’t feel good after our last move either. Does it take a toll on you to uproot yourself once again, to leave another place you’ve made into a home, do you suffer from it afterwards? Or are you already burned out? You’ve been working so intensely lately. There’s only five more days until you’re on part-time parental leave.

To compensate, relieve your burden, and keep myself and my mind occupied, I’ve unpacked almost all our boxes myself. In the evening after Ivan falls asleep, now in his very own room, I’ve worked in a frenzy. Clothes go into the wardrobes, books go into the bookshelves. Kitchen utensils into kitchen cabinets, and various other things into one of the many closets we have in our new apartment. We have plenty of storage space here.

During those late nights, while I unpacked our boxes, you sat in the kitchen and worked and a new kind of silence lay solidly between us. You mumbled and hummed an answer when I spoke. You had a wrinkle between your eyebrows. Once when I went into the kitchen you were slumped over the table, had fallen onto your computer, and you seemed to be asleep. I put a cautious hand on your shoulder. Asked if you were OK. You jolted upright, said you were just taking a break. Nothing was wrong, you said. I didn’t press you for more. Instead, I pushed away my own nagging concern, continued unpacking, settling in, drawing from my own energy reserves to make a home for all of us.

On Monday I go back to work again. From eight thirty in the morning until twelve thirty I’ll be at the office and you’ll be at home with Ivan. When I get home, you’ll leave for one of your jobs. You’ll come home for dinner, which we’ll eat together. Like a family. We’ll put Ivan to bed. Then you’ll go back to work. That’s the plan. That’s what we’ve said. I’ll continue to be the one who takes care of Ivan at night. So far he’s never slept alone in his new room. About an hour after he falls asleep he cries for me. Nurses himself to sleep again. Then sleeps restlessly, pushing his foot in under my stomach or my thighs.

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