I Let Him Go (Revised And Updated Edition) by Fergus Denise

Author:Fergus, Denise [Denise, Fergus,]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Blink Publishing
Published: 2018-01-25T00:00:00+00:00

Chapter 14

Guilty

Wednesday, 24th November 1993, was the day that 12 complete strangers decided if my son would get the justice he deserved. The morning of the verdict felt as flat as any other – every day since the one James went missing had felt as pointless as the next. Obviously my biggest fear was that they’d walk free; it was a terror so deep that I could feel it eating away at my insides. A not guilty verdict would truly render every single hour of pain worthless. It was so awful that I couldn’t even entertain the idea, but at the same time I was aware that a guilty verdict wouldn’t give me what I really wanted – James was dead and nothing would change that.

If I am really honest, my hatred for those boys was deep and I was dreading confronting them, I had no idea how I would feel and what would happen. Ray had warned me not to expect any kind of suitable reaction from Thompson, Venables or their families – if their behaviour throughout the trial was anything to go by it would be the opposite.

I certainly had no idea how much contact Ray had had to endure with the families of Thompson and Venables. Early on in the trial it had all got far too close for comfort. Ray told me, ‘Late morning on the second day of the court hearing I decided to do the coffee run – anything to pass the time while we were waiting for the court to reconvene. I was getting impatient. So I asked Jim Green and the rest of the police team if they wanted a drink and in the end I had a request for 12 teas and coffees! I went off to place my order and was leaning over the counter when I felt somebody brush past me, knocking me sideways.

‘At first I just thought the person had accidentally barged into me and I turned around to see one of the boys’ mothers staring straight at me. I knew immediately she had done it on purpose and I just had to take a deep breath and say quietly to myself, This is wrong. Their camps were sticking together and stood lined up against the opposite wall looking at me, pointing me out as your brother.

‘I kept telling myself I was there for James and I didn’t want to let anyone down by losing my temper. Sean was fantastic and kept reminding us to maintain our dignity. I was proud of how we all handled it looking back; we did baby James proud.’

The world had gone mad: their children were on trial for killing my baby and their mothers didn’t even seem sorry. These feelings only got worse as the trial went on and my family saw their behaviour in court; I was repeatedly warned that I would find it hard.

Ray says now, ‘People often ask me what it was like seeing those two children sat there

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