Hyacinth Girls by Frankel Lauren

Author:Frankel, Lauren [Frankel, Lauren]
Language: eng
Format: mobi, epub
Publisher: Crown/Archetype
Published: 2015-05-12T07:00:00+00:00

All My Interactions with Robyn Doblak, #10

For Rebecca/From Callie

After Dallas spread it around, everyone started calling Robyn Bullets, and when I tried to IM her at night, she wouldn’t answer back. I couldn’t apologize because I couldn’t get through to her, and I couldn’t catch her eye in class because she wouldn’t look at anyone.

Rebecca, you always said you were proud of me and you thought I was a good person, and I know I didn’t deserve it, but I thought one day I’d change. I’d stop making the worst decisions and do something amazing and then I could finally be proud of myself. I’d be as good as everyone hoped.

I knew what a good person would do when they started barking at Robyn. When they stuck pencils under their shirts and rubbed the tips, yelling, “Bullets! Bullets!” A good person wouldn’t sit there, with a sick smile on her face—she would stand up and start shouting. She would smash someone in the head. I knew if I really cared, I would go over there and change things. I would help protect Robyn and become her shell. But I didn’t do anything, I just sat there, a mess of feelings. I didn’t want anything to do with her and I still missed her all the time. I left notes in her locker. I tried texting. I watched her hurrying through the halls, hunched up in her puffy coat. On the outside I was this mega-bitch, but on the inside my heart was pounding, and I wondered what would happen if I suddenly reversed.

It happened in art class last April. Robyn wasn’t wearing her coat.

“Bullets,” Ella called. “Ooh, your bullets are so hard!”

Miss Dimmock was out in the hall, yelling at Adam Liebowitz, and she’d closed the door behind her, leaving Robyn unprotected. We were painting masks that day. We each had a papier-mâché face to work on, and Miss Dimmock had opened all the windows because the fumes were so strong. When Ella called out to her, Robyn pretended she couldn’t hear. Robyn’s hair covered up her face and she drooped over her mask. “Bullets,” I heard again, and my paintbrush wobbled. “Bullets,” Ella said, and my lips pulled back.

“Why are you such a bitch?”

Ella stiffened. “Excuse me?”

I pushed back my chair and my legs suddenly shook. Could I really leave Ella? She’d been my best friend for so long, but my heart was pounding furiously and it told me to stand up.

“Fuck you,” Ella said, as I took the first step.

I started stumbling forward, eyes on Robyn, as I moved across the room, unsure of what I was doing. My pulse was cranking because I knew there was no going back. If I sat down with Robyn, everyone would know. I would lose Dallas and Ella and all my friends and all my secrets. I’d be a fish caught on a hook that I’d swallowed myself. I didn’t care. I took another step closer.

Robyn was still painting, head low down.

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