From Mother and Daughter to Friends: A Memoir by Nancy Aniston

Author:Nancy Aniston [Nancy Aniston]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2009-10-02T00:33:00+00:00

Chapter 11

CARVING UP

A LIFE

T WAS MY GOOD FORTUNE that I managed to hide the true extent of my own suffering from Jen. But as soon as I was alone, an avalanche of dark thoughts pounded my brain. Like falling rocks, there was no stopping them. Where were the warnings, the complaints, or the hint of discontent? Where was the period to adjust after so many years? Why was there no indication of John's unhappiness before it was too late? And wasn't I dumber than dirt not to have seen it coming? The rocks continued falling day after day, week after week until I hated the sniveling, selfpitying victim I found myself becoming. I didn't want to go there, but it would have been easier to stop an avalanche than to change the course human nature was charting for me.

My dreams didn't come true. Who said life is fair? I had to dig deep for strength to hang on. At times it felt as if the core of my being was trying to escape through the top of my head. With my heart pounding and my face covered with sweat, I would hold onto a piece of furniture until the sensation passed.

Each morning I'd drop Jennifer off at school and rush home to pray and meditate, trying to understand how and why. I feared that a part of me was slipping away. Two people had played with fire and my life went up in the flames.

As the first year of our separation was about to end, John said it was time to discuss the divorce. When I said I didn't want one, I felt a slight tremor begin. He pressed hard until my body began to shake all over. Noticing my tenuous state, he mercifully left. I sat a long time staring at nothing. No thinking. No brain. There wasn't much left to even think about starting over.

I was desperate to be near someone who cared, but my sisters and closest friends were all in California. The telephone helped, but I longed for an understanding presence. Some old friends of John's, John and Susan Dooley, lived in our building. We had only socialized as couples and hadn't really spoken intimately. I had noticed a gentle kindness in Susan, but she might feel awkward or forced to take sides. In a moment of desperation I decided none of that mattered. I had to reach out. She received my call warmly and was visibly stunned by the news of my disintegrated marriage. "But it's always been obvious that John adores you!" she said. I bathed my wounded spirit in her sympathetic words as she recalled my years of financial struggle with John. She insisted that some kind of illness had him confused and that it would pass.

A few days later, it was quite moving to hear that she and her husband drove to our restaurant and after circling the block a few times, went in to see if they could find out what was troubling John.

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