Find You in the Dark by A. Meredith Walters

Author:A. Meredith Walters
Language: eng
Format: mobi, epub
Published: 2012-10-10T05:00:00+00:00

Chapter Fourteen

The week and a half leading up to Thanksgiving break found me stuck in a weird balancing act. I continued spending every free moment with Clay, which then forced me to lie repeatedly to my parents about what I was doing and who I was doing it with. They continued to make their dislike of Clay very clear and nothing I said seemed to change it.

I felt like I was living my life in the shadow of everyone's disapproval. My parents', Rachel's and Daniel's. I saw it when they looked at me. Heard it between the lines of their words. They could mask it in concern all they wanted, but it didn't change the fact that they wanted me to forget about Clay and our relationship. To find my way back to the person I was before.

Well, that wasn't going to happen. Because I was different now and I didn't want to be the girl I was before Clay. She was boring. Disinterested in life. That girl had never known what it was like to love someone more than herself.

I didn't like that girl anymore. She was my past.

And Clay, for all of his flaws, was my future. Whether my family and friends agreed or not. And honestly, I didn't give a damn.

But I couldn't ignore the gigantic elephant in the room. Clay's arms had healed after I had found him cutting. I tried not to touch the rough scabs when he held me. I avoided being reminded of that scary place I had found myself in with Clay by my side.

We never talked about it. Not once. There were times when it sat on the tip of my tongue to ask him about the cutting. To find out more about what triggered him. I wanted to understand that dark part of him. Because if I loved him, I had to love every part of who he was. But I was a wimp. Instead I refused to address it, choosing instead to bury my head in the proverbial sand like a damned ostrich.

I had decided to look up bi-polar disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder on the internet one evening while I waited for Clay to call me. I didn't know much about mental illness, having never known anyone, before Clay, who suffered like that.

When he threw around words like cycles and mania, I had no idea what he was talking about. So I sat myself down, intent on solving at least part of the mystery that shrouded my boyfriend.

A few clicks later and the words started swimming in front of my eyes. Manic and depressive episodes. Heightened mood. Hypomania.

Okay, having had enough of the bi-polar research, I had moved on to the Borderline thing. That wasn't any better. I skipped over statements that read, pattern of instability and intensity within interpersonal relationships, frantic efforts to avoid abandonment. Inappropriate anger. Suicidal behaviors.

I had closed my browser. I couldn't handle reading anymore. It was that ostrich mentality again. The less I knew, the better.

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