Fill Me by Crystal Kaswell

Author:Crystal Kaswell [Kaswell, Crystal]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Crystal Kaswell
Published: 2015-04-09T04:00:00+00:00

CHAPTER NINETEEN

Alyssa

"That could be arranged." Luke's voice is playful, but there's a heaviness to it. Exhaustion maybe. He's not great at hiding his impatience over my inability to feel ready, whatever that means.

There's not a good way to phrase it, to say don't fucking do this just because you think it's the only thing I want from you. There's not a good way to tell your boyfriend, fiancé actually, that you suspect he is only giving in to your requests for sex to placate you.

I bite my lip. I hate being in my head at a time like this, when the only thing coursing through my brain should be how much I want to get Luke's clothes off.

Sure, he's not really here. The best I can hope for is his voice in my ears and his body on my computer monitor. But I'm still paralyzed by the same damn thought.

He isn't going to put up with my doubt any longer.

"Ally?" It's soft with only a hint of concern. But a hint is more than none.

"Sorry. I was just thinking..." About how fucking crushed I'll be when you get tired of me.

Fuck. A tear rolls down my cheek. It stings, salty and hot. I can't cry. Not now. Not after we had one of those I can be patient, I love you, I don't mind putting up with all your bullshit conversations.

"I'm sure asking if you want to talk will only make things worse." There's no annoyance in his voice.

It's still playful. He's joking now. But when we're back in the same place and this still isn't resolved...

"Maybe I should go," I say.

"Maybe you should humor me and tell me what you were 'just thinking.'"

I press the phone against my ear, sliding my fingers over its glass back. "You won't like it."

"You aren't the expert on everything I like. There are plenty of things I like that you know nothing about."

Another tear rolls down my cheek. I try and blink it away, but it only makes everything around me blurry, like some kind of Instagram filter from hell. Stop. Please fucking stop. I can't cry, not now, not on the phone with Luke, not after we supposedly solved whatever the hell this is.

Not now.

I choke back a sob. Fuck. My throat is dry and ragged, my face stinging from this god damn onslaught of tears.

"Ally."

He's concerned. Again. I merit concern. Again.

"It's nothing." I wipe the tears from my cheeks, wiping my hand against the sheets to dry it.

"Talk to me."

"I can't."

He sighs, low and heavy. "You were talking a few minutes ago."

"I'm going to go." I slide my fingers over the edges of the phone. It's so slick and smooth. It repels anything that tries to stick to the surface.

It's resistant but not strong. One little drop and its screen will shatter.

"And cry in your room by yourself?"

"I'm fine."

He sighs, again. Annoyed, again. "Don't do this. Don't shut me out."

"I'm not doing anything. I'm fine. Tired, but fine."

"You're crying."

"I'm well aware of that.

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