Double Double by Ken Grimes

Author:Ken Grimes
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi
Publisher: Scribner

14

KG

The Flimflam Man: How Shakespeare Saved My Life

I admired crooks and liars as a kid. They knew what they wanted, and they took it. As a kid watching the musical Oliver!, I identified with the Artful Dodger and Fagin, not Oliver. I lied a lot growing up, and the more I lied, the more convincing I became. I quickly learned that I had to lie to party the way I wanted to.

Money was scarce when I went to college. My father made a modest salary and couldn’t contribute much to my college education. So my mother ended up footing most of the bill, and she assumed that when I asked for tuition money, it would be spent on tuition. I had no idea how much money I needed or how to budget or pay bills. I was always running out because I spent it all on drinking.

My favorite T-shirt in college said, “What Do You Mean I Ran Out of Money? I Still Have Checks Left.” I wrote checks for anything and to everyone, including my dealers. How stupid is that? This behavior couldn’t be more different than what my mother and father did. My mother put herself through college by working for the federal government and as a teaching assistant at the University of Maryland. My father borrowed from relatives and took out loans. Not me. I couldn’t have cared less.

Early in my freshman year, I found myself without any cash and desperate to fill my weed and beer habit. So I did what generations of college kids have done. I called my mother and asked her for money—fifty dollars, wired immediately. When she asked why I needed the money so quickly, I said I had to buy books and talked her into going to Western Union that day.

For the promise of free beer and weed, my friend Stan volunteered to take me to Western Union. We jumped into his green Plymouth Barracuda and peeled out of the dorm parking lot while huffing a joint. Stan dropped me off and kept the engine running while I rolled up to the counter at Western Union.

“Hi, my name is Ken Grimes, and I’m here to pick up a wire in my name.”

The kind midwestern woman behind the counter said, “Yes, let me check.”

She went to a room in the back and emerged with an envelope. “Here it is—a wire for five hundred dollars.”

My mind began to race. I coughed, cleared my throat, and said, “What was that? Five hundred dollars?”

She looked quizzical. “Yes, isn’t that correct?”

“Ah, that’s right.” I reached out to take the envelope stuffed with twenty-dollar bills. Trying to control my smile, I walked slowly out the door and then ran to the car. “Quick,” I said to Stan, “let’s get the hell out of here before they figure it out.” We felt victorious and couldn’t wait to start bingeing as soon as possible.

A semilogical mind might have followed this whole sequence: My mother had wired fifty dollars; Western

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