Almost Surely Dead by Akhtar Amina

Author:Akhtar, Amina
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Mindy’s Book Studio
Published: 2024-02-01T00:00:00+00:00

The class I found was offered as a two-hour seminar for women at a jujitsu place in Lower Manhattan. Kendra offered to come with me, and I said yes, though every part of me wanted to not bug her. “I’d love that. I could use the support!”

But she ended up being tied up at work.

I was disappointed; I can’t lie. I wanted her there with me. But I understood. Some things I had to do on my own. I couldn’t lean on Kendra and Liz forever. I needed this class. I was vibrating with anxiety. I needed to find an outlet. So I went alone.

The instructor, a Black woman with the most amazing arms I’d ever seen (she was a boxer) was named Terry. She taught us how to get out of anyone grabbing you from behind, how to fight someone if they’d covered your eyes, and—what I found the most useful—how to yell when faced with an attacker. She had a man helping her; he attacked each of us in demonstrations. It was terrifying and brought up so much from that day on the subway platform. The first time her partner lunged at me, I froze. But by the fifth time, I was getting out of holds and pushing him hard.

“We’re taught to be silent, but this is your life. You need to yell, scream, do whatever you can to get them to leave you alone,” Terry said. I nodded along. Yes, I had to be loud. I had to get everyone’s attention; it was the only way to stay alive.

She made us yell in her face. I winced at the idea. “You are not a victim. You may have been mugged, assaulted, beaten. But you are not a victim. If you believe you’re a victim, you won’t fight back. You are not a victim. You have agency and power. Your attacker wants to take that from you. We won’t let them!” We all mumbled agreement.

“Yell at me, come on!” she urged. She stood inches in front of my face. “Come on, Dunia, yell at me.”

I felt so stupid. But I opened my mouth and loudly said, “No!”

She rolled her eyes. Harsh, but fair. “That’s all you got? Louder!”

“No!”

“LOUDER! Come on, you’re about to die, and you’re worried about being too loud?” I thought of that day on the subway platform. Of Skylar dragging me to the tracks, and having to yell for help. I did it then; I could do it now. I could fight. I took a deep breath.

“NOOOOOOO!” I roared, and Terry took a step back, surprise on her face.

“Didn’t know you had it in you.” She nodded. “Are you a victim?”

“I AM NOT A VICTIM!”

“Good. Everyone, be like Dunia. Be loud.”

That felt better than any gold star I’d gotten in grade school. Yeah, be like me, I’m not a victim! I was, but now I was going to fight and yell! It seemed silly, but I felt invigorated. Like Terry understood me and why I was there.

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