What Now? by Yael Shy

Author:Yael Shy
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Parallax Press
Published: 2017-11-07T05:00:00+00:00

THE ANATOMY OF DESIRE

When I was growing up, my parents were often exasperated with my seemingly endless demands. “Yael, stop whining!” was a refrain I heard repeatedly. I was told that if I didn’t learn to be happy with what I had, I might become like my great aunt Liza, who, according to my parents, was an unhappy child and grew up to be a miserable and unhappy adult.

I didn’t like being so needy. I felt ashamed and disappointed in myself. At the same time, I couldn’t figure out how to stop. What my parents called “whining” was my attempt to get what I wanted. In my young mind, the thing my parents hated, the thing that kept people from liking me, was desire. If I could teach myself to stop wanting things, I could get more love and acceptance.

Additionally, as I grew up, wanting things over which I had no control felt terrible. I wanted attention in class, but wasn’t always able to get it. I wanted boys to like me, which felt both shameful and futile. I wanted real friendship, where I would be seen and loved, and yet I did not have many friends.

I was attracted to Buddhism because I thought it would teach me how to stop having desire. After all, didn’t the Buddha say that desire was the cause of suffering? Given how much suffering desire had caused in my life, Buddhism sounded perfect.

The more I practiced and studied, however, the more I started to encounter a very different understanding of desire in Buddhism and other wisdom traditions. I heard the following story, originally recounted by thirteenth century Jewish mystic Reb Isaac of Akko, on one of my first retreats.

There was once a princess riding through a town in her carriage. The town’s fool caught a glimpse of the princess and instantly was overwhelmed with desire for her. He ran up to the window of the carriage. “Please, Princess, I’m in love with you and I must see you again! Please tell me where I can meet you again in private?” he said.

The princess contemptuously turned toward the fool and sneered. “I’ll meet you in the graveyard,” she said. With that, the carriage galloped away toward the castle.

The fool, being the fool, ran off to the graveyard, believing the princess would be on her way to meet him shortly. When nightfall came and the princess still didn’t show up, the fool decided he would wait in the graveyard for her as long as it took for her to arrive. He slept in the graveyard. He ate what he could forage off the trees and plants in the vicinity. He waited for her each day and night for weeks, months, and years. As he waited, he concentrated on the princess and on his desire for her. He let the desire move through his body until there was no other feeling in his body but desire for her. He continued this practice day after day. Over time,

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