The Compassionate Sleep Solution: Calming the Cry by Henry Eileen

Author:Henry, Eileen
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: UNKNOWN
Published: 2016-09-14T00:00:00+00:00

The Need for Shared Space

Ideas:

1. Exchange Dinner and a Movie for No Tell Motel - about the same price.

2. Schedule sex.

3. Separate room devoted to sex - farther from the kids room.

4. Take back your bedroom - Get the crib/kid/co-sleeping out of the bedroom.

5. Arrange a play date for them sex date for you.

6. Personal grooming/preparation - cut a path.

7. Do some outside reading in order to get ideas. How about the Kama Sutra? But do some stretching and limbering-up exercises before trying some of those positions.

8. Talk - but save the discussions about the mother-in-law problems for after the sex.

9. Turn off the internal dialog during sex.

10. Hug and kiss longer and more - no more quick pecks, touch more. The average hug is 4 seconds. Try hugging until you are calm. NOT until your partner is calm until YOU are calm. Here again: Self-regulate.

11. Role-play and create sexy scenarios.

12. Romantic gestures.

13. Surprise your spouse with something fun.

14. The quick fix. You fight. You say something mean. Don't let that fester. Apologize ASAP. Receiver - RECEIVE it. Let it go and move on to solutions. Go back to one and two above.

This is all a very simplified version of a very deep and difficult practice. In fact, it is far more advanced than many of us want to achieve. So, get some help, but I warn you, most couples' therapists are not working in this way. Most couples therapists are working in the old model of "I" statements. Most couples' therapists are training couples in "other validation." "Tell your partner how you feel and get more validation from one another" or find out your partners "language of love" and then do those things to make your partner feel loved. Active listening, mirroring, techniques in becoming more vulnerable, etc. This is fine for many and it may work. In my experience, it is a band aid for the deeper issue.

If we haven't fully done all of this for the self, then we are looking to our partner to soothe us, make us ok. We are asking them to parent us.

Then we wonder why they don't want to touch us.

Recommended viewings, items, and readings:

Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Gottman of The Gottman Institute

Esther Perel - Mating in Captivity

David Schnarch - Passionate Marriage

Sex technique eBooks - You must first admit you might suck at something that might need a good sucking...

Sounds True - Visit soundstrue.com and search for the keyword "relationship"

Position a day book

Astro glide

Coconut Oil - it is edible and non-fattening.

Pig mask and a cape

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