Sex;Other Natural Disaster The Onion Presents: Love by The Onion

Author:The Onion
Language: eng
Format: mobi
Tags: Parodies, Holidays (Non-Religious), Humor, Social Science, Form, Anecdotes & Quotations, General
ISBN: 9781594745553
Publisher: Quirk Books
Published: 2012-01-31T06:00:00+00:00

NEWS

Area Girlfriend, Boyfriend Achieve Perfect Mother-Son Relationship

PORTLAND, OR—After dating for nearly three years, area couple Peter Mazursky and Janet Hyams have finally achieved the perfect semblance of a mother-son relationship, sources close to the pair revealed Monday.

The couple share a moment of familial contentment.

“My little pumpkin would practically be helpless without me,” said Hyams, 28, whose role in the adult relationship has slowly transformed from romantic lover to maternal caregiver over time. “I have to supervise almost everything he does, from making sure he gets up in the morning, to reminding him about his doctors’ appointments. I even have to pick out his clothes for him when we go shopping together.”

Added Hyams, “I don’t know how Pete would survive if I weren’t around.”

The couple—who met in 2005 and have been living together since Mazursky was evicted from his apartment—have not always had it so easy. In the beginning, their interpersonal style still contained many troubling elements of a mature relationship, including periodic moments of independence, mutual equality, and even occasional sexual contact.

“In the beginning, their interpsonal style still contained many troubling elements of a mature relationship, including period moments of independence, mutual equality, and even occasional sexual contact.”

Luckily for the pair, this early period of instability quickly began to break down as arguments over Mazursky’s irresponsibility and Hyams’ controlling personality gave way to the codependent harmony they now share.

“She takes care of me,” said Mazursky, 26, unconsciously looking to Hyams for approval. “With Janet, I never have to worry about stuff like picking up after myself or remembering to brush my teeth before I go to bed. Plus, she always makes all of the big decisions for both of us, which is nice.”

Since falling into preprogrammed roles from early childhood, the couple have seen their relationship undergo a number of significant changes. Sexual intercourse, once a favorite and frequent pastime, has steadily dropped off in regularity, ceasing altogether earlier this month.

“ ‘My old girlfriend Jessica used to let me eat all the cookies I wanted. We just didn’t have the same kind of bond that Janet and I now share.’ ”

“We don’t have to be having sex all the time to be happy,” said Mazursky, who by this point has entirely sublimated his libido under the weight of his projected need for a maternal protector. “Right now we are focusing on other things, like losing weight. We have a system worked out where I can eat cookies only with Janet’s say-so, and if she catches me eating one without permission, she gets to ‘ground’ me from snacks for a week. It’s so great to be able to share that level of intimacy with another person.”

“My old girlfriend Jessica used to let me eat all the cookies I wanted,” he added. “We just didn’t have the same kind of bond that Janet and I now share.”

Hyams’ maternal duties include always paying the rent for Mazursky and then hounding him to get a job, performing basic household chores to make herself feel

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