Sex Outside the Lines by Chris Donaghue

Author:Chris Donaghue [Donaghue, Chris]
Language: eng
Format: epub, pdf
ISBN: 9781940363882
Publisher: BenBella Books, Inc.

Case Study: Rich

Rich was dragged into therapy by his partner. She explained that Rich was a sex addict who looked at porn every day. She felt this was disgusting and considered it cheating. This scenario is not rare, as few understand the healthy uses of pornography and masturbation.

I asked Rich how he felt about his sexuality. “I’m happy and have no concerns about my masturbation, but I’m unsure because it makes my partner so upset.”

I like to hear that all people masturbate, because solo sex is a fun part of our sexuality, comes under only our control, and is separate from our partnered relationship. However, the issue here was not the masturbation but how these two dealt with sex together as a couple. I explained that any “couple issues” needed to be dealt with as a team.

A partner can share how someone’s masturbation impacts her but, married or not, she has no right to exert control over it. Masturbating daily is quite healthy, as is using pornography, so I explained to Rich’s partner that he wasn’t a sex addict. Even when monogamy has been chosen, as with Rich and his partner, one cannot try to control the solo aspects of one’s partner’s sexuality.

Rich’s partner wasn’t convinced. “He has had hundreds of sex partners. Clearly that’s an addiction to sex.”

“Wrong again,” I said. Addiction isn’t about quantity but rather the consequences of a behavior and how much control one has over it. Sex cannot be addictive, I explained, because it’s a drive that is always active within most of us. Much like we cannot become food or sleep addicts but we can struggle with regulation of our eating and sleeping, some find it a struggle not to be sexually compulsive. I asked Rich’s partner what made her so anxious about sex. Why was she so scared by Rich’s full and active sex life, prior to meeting her and now as well?

It turned out that Rich and his partner had different sex drives, templates for healthy sex, and sexual histories. As with most couples, they needed to do significant work to understand one another’s differences.

Many partners want to punish others based on their prior sex lives. This is never acceptable. Sexual development includes exploration with different partners and different behaviors. Never apologize for your sexual history. More importantly, don’t share your sexual history unless your partner is sexually mature enough to hear it. Some of those who have been erroneously diagnosed and forced into “sex addiction treatment” are told differently. They are told that disclosing their sexual history creates trust, when in fact it often creates an irreconcilable tension if one partner believes the other owns their sexuality and does not allow privacy and healthy boundaries. This is why it’s crucial to seek diagnosis and treatment from a certified sex therapist.

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