Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs by Chuck Klosterman

Author:Chuck Klosterman
Language: eng
Format: mobi, epub, azw3
Tags: Performing Arts, Social Science, United States - Civilization - 1970, 20th Century, Popular culture - United States, General, United States, chuck, Popular Culture, klosterman, Essays, History
ISBN: 9780743236010
Publisher: Scribner
Published: 2004-06-22T10:00:00+00:00

The answer: Mr. Smokey.

It occurred to me that the only aspect of my laundering that had changed in recent weeks was my newfound affinity for petting a feline of unknown origin. Accessing the public laundry room in my apartment complex required that I briefly walk outside of my building’s back door, where I consistently encountered a large gray cat I liked to call “Mr. Smokey.” Despite our initial differences, I struck up an amicable relationship with Mr. Smokey; whenever I saw him, I would scratch his kitty ears and his kitty tummy, much to his kitty delight.

Or so it seemed.

Evidence began to mount suggesting that Mr. Smokey was using this weekly exchange as a diversion to steal my socks, one at a time. It’s still not clear why he wanted my socks, since it had always been my assumption that kittens wanted mittens (in order to acquire pie).

However, there was no other explanation for these disappearances. In fact, I have reason to believe there was a whole network of cats involved in this: Perhaps Mr. Smokey stole my attention while a second cat (or cats) pounced into my laundry basket, snaring the best available footwear and fleeing into the darkness. I’m convinced an even larger cat ( “Mr. Orange”) from a neighboring building was part of this conspiracy.

“How often have I said,” asked coke-addict Sherlock Holmes in The Sign of Four, “that when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth?” This is true; I am nothing if not logical.

Mr. Smokey must die.

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