Run for Your Life by William Pullen

Author:William Pullen [Pullen, William]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9780241262832
Publisher: Penguin Books Ltd
Published: 2016-10-30T00:00:00+00:00

Person-centred Relating

The other aspect of DRT that is so helpful for relationships is the person-centred element – the practice of relating to oneself in a kind and loving manner. Person-centred relating comprises three elements – unconditional positive regard, empathy and congruence. Each has something important to offer you on your journey to better relationships. As you read through their descriptions below, ask yourself how often you extend them to yourself and others.

1. Unconditional Positive Regard

Unconditional positive regard sounds like something complex and intense – in fact it just means looking at yourself and others in a way that is positive, warm and accepting. This simple way of being helps us to remain in an open and receptive place, where we can share each moment in a way that is allowed to unravel naturally, rather than being preloaded with judgement. Think for a moment of how you treat yourself and others. Are you quick to judge? Are you all too often dismissive or condemning of the parts you don’t like in yourself or others? Ask yourself if you can be more open minded and accepting, recognizing that everyone, including you, has a right to their own opinion and their own path.

Looking kindly at ourselves and others in this way can be hard for some. Many of us know we have loveable parts but all too few of us consider that even our ugly parts might be loveable too. Often these parts are kept at arm’s length, starved of care and affection. They are the parts that need it most. If you ask someone who isn’t good at loving themselves what loving themselves means, they will often have no idea how it’s done. In fact, it’s done by simply greeting the parts of yourself you like least with the most patience, care and compassion. A simple acknowledgement of their existence is often enough. By accepting all of yourself like this it becomes easier to accept others.

… the curious paradox is that when I accept myself as I am, then I change.

CARL ROGERS

2. Empathy

Empathy is the practice of attempting to understand things from another person’s own frame of reference. Carl Rogers, the American psychologist who first developed person-centred therapy, said of it: ‘You lay aside your own views and values in order to enter another’s world without prejudice.’ Learning how to do this may be the single biggest factor in a healthy relationship with yourself and others. Relating in an empathic way means taking the time to discover what is really happening in you and others, not making assumptions, guesses or quick judgements.

For example, rather than beating yourself up for being needy, you could acknowledge the fact that as a child you were never sure when you were next going to see your mother, and this made you clingy and anxious, constantly watching the front door for when she came home. Suddenly this is less about your own lack of resources and failure and more about how you responded in an understandable way to difficult circumstances as a child.

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