Nonbinary by Micah Rajunov

Author:Micah Rajunov
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Columbia University Press

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

Uncharted Path

Parenting My Agender Teen

ABIGAIL

Our middle child, Bailey, has the special ability to accept everyone as they are. Relatives and friends have always been drawn to them; as a toddler, Bailey was a head-turner with bright eyes and an easy smile. As they grew they exhibited the best of attributes: outgoing, steady, hugely intelligent, and good at sports. Despite an occasional temper flare-up due to a competitive spirit, they were upbeat and laughed easily.

But once Bailey started middle school, they became more withdrawn and solemn. Although the school was academically rigorous, Bailey didn’t have a problem with even the toughest classes. What I witnessed was more a dampening of the spirit. With adolescence, Bailey’s confidence was slipping away.

Bailey became distressed with their changing body; they were dismayed at having to wear a bra and extremely unhappy with the onset of menstruation. But I didn’t dwell on these things—I assumed Bailey would grow out of this discomfort. Instead I focused on Bailey’s complaints about their uncooperative hair, their newfound awareness of social hierarchies at school, and how they didn’t feel pretty. I was bothered by our culture’s misogynistic ability to put women in a box based on their looks. It was now affecting my child, who had up to this point effortlessly bucked the trends. Bailey’s struggle with self-doubt stemmed from a distressing, teenage hyperawareness of how they were viewed by others.

From a very young age and with an amazing degree of confidence, Bailey had always challenged gender stereotypes to anyone who would listen. Over the years I had gotten a total kick out of their tomboy persona. After all, I had two other girly girls, and Bailey’s nontraditional interests and personality were quite refreshing. We envisioned Bailey growing up to be a pioneering feminist who would one day change the world in a better way for all women. My husband and I couldn’t have been prouder.

Bailey joined the Gay Straight Alliance and began writing reports on gay rights. Soon Bailey declared themselves to be asexual. I was somewhat perplexed; they’d learned so many terms I had never heard of. I questioned Bailey on this sexual orientation, not understanding how they could know at only fourteen. I figured they were most likely gay but hadn’t come to terms with it yet.

The first years of middle school had taught Bailey a lot about both themselves and the complex world of social norms, but eighth grade proved to be unusually intense. Bailey’s friend Julie was hospitalized for depression and suicidal thoughts. Bailey explained that Julie was now going by the name Jade and using the pronoun “they” instead of “she.” Bailey was extremely concerned about their friend and checked in with Jade’s mom regularly. Sometime after Jade came home from the hospital, I asked their mom if Jade was androgynous. (I did not have the terminology to ask the right question because I’d never heard of anything like this. Truthfully, the only image that came to my cisgender mind was the decades-old androgynous “It’s Pat” character from Saturday Night Live.

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