Making Friends With Black People by Nick Adams

Author:Nick Adams
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Kensington Books
Published: 2012-06-20T16:00:00+00:00

Chapter 12

Burn, Hollywood, Burn

The next time someone tells you about how far black actors and actresses have come, punch them in the stomach. Or, if you’re not in the mood to risk a possible ass-kicking or civil litigation, tell them to watch Monster’s Ball. I thought Halle Berry was incredible in the role, and I think that she deserved the Academy Award for it. I just couldn’t help but be amazed by how much more she had to do than her white counterparts. Julia Roberts received the Oscar for Erin Brockovich. All that role required of her was to put on a push-up bra and a pair of high-heeled Candies and sashay around the San Fernando Valley with her signature blend of spunk and wit that America has come to know and love. Let’s be honest here. Any decent actress could have done that in her sleep. They were just waiting to give Julia an Oscar. Meanwhile, Halle Berry had to get sodomized by Sling Blade himself. I am, of course, referring to the now-legendary sex scene between Ms. Berry and Mr. Billy Bob Thornton. Is that what it takes for a black actress to get nominated? If that’s the case, then the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences owes several dozen retroactive Oscars to Jeannie Pepper, Heather Hunter, and Ebony Ayes. These legendary African-American porn stars have been ravaged by a combined number of approximately 750 white actors in a combined 250 movies. Surely there is at least one Oscar-worthy performance in that bunch somewhere. (If I had a vote, I would give the nod to Ms. Hunter for her performance in Screw the Right Thing. It brought tears to my eyes.) If you haven’t seen Monster’s Ball, I’ll give you the theme of the movie: Hot chicks cure racism. That’s it in a nutshell. Billy Bob’s character is a mean, racist son of a bitch. He threatens some young black boys for coming onto his property. He calls one of his fellow prison guards a nigger. Then, he meets Halle Berry and—poof!—racism gone. Just like that. Next thing you know, Halle Berry is bent over on the couch and Billy Bob is pounding away. Near the end of the movie he says to her, “I just want to take care of you.” No shit, Billy Bob. She’s Halle Berry! Every heterosexual man and homosexual woman in the world wants to “take care” of Halle Berry. Hell, there are probably a few homosexual men and heterosexual women who want to “take care” of Halle Berry. You want to prove to me that you’re not a racist? Why don’t you shack up with Star Jones for a while? Go a few rounds on that couch with Whoopie Goldberg just so we can make sure you don’t have any of those old prejudices left.

Giving Halle Berry the Oscar was a safe choice for Hollywood. Because of her biracial heritage, Halle has the lighter skin complexion and delicate features that are closer to the white American standard of beauty.

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