Lust, Men, and Meth: A Gay Man's Guide to Sex and Recovery by David M Fawcett

Author:David M Fawcett [Fawcett, David M]
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi
Publisher: Healing Path Press.
Published: 2015-09-17T07:00:00+00:00

Overcoming Ambivalence

The fourth cornerstone of erotic desire is overcoming ambivalence, which is much less intuitive than those already described. Unfortunately, it is a common experience to be hurt by those we love and upon whom we are, at least as children, dependent. As adults, this can take the form of attraction to emotionally unavailable individuals or, more destructively, to persons who are verbally, emotionally, or even physically abusive.

It is counterintuitive that we would be drawn to someone who could or has harmed us, but if erotic themes are understood in the context of neutralizing emotional pain by eroticizing aspects of that person or relationship, it becomes clearer. One type of couples counseling, Harville Hendrix’s Imago Therapy,[63] utilizes this principle in helping individuals recognize that their ideal mate is a combination of traits, good and bad, of significant people in their early lives.

Everyone can describe an experience of being attracted to someone without really understanding the basis of the attraction. Imago therapy proposes that the person to whom we are drawn has some characteristics of the people who raised us, and we may not be consciously aware of these traits, but rather sense them. We are drawn to individuals who reflect positive characteristics of our caregivers. We are also drawn to individuals who remind us of someone who has harmed us in the past. We may be drawn to a stranger who we subconsciously sense could repeat that harm in an effort to finally re-enact that relationship and ultimately heal the wound. The problem is that this often results in rewounding.

Morin states[64] that the role of ambivalence is unrecognized because it is a transient feeling, largely disappearing by the time one is aroused. Unlike breaking taboos, which tend to heighten a sexual experience while one is engaged in the act, ambivalence adds to the buildup of sexual excitement preceding the encounter. Methamphetamine impacts our willingness to act on ambivalent attractions, and therefore results in increased physical or emotional harm. The case of one client, Neal, clearly illustrates this.

Neal is a gay black man in his mid-thirties, who was raised by his mother in the rural south after his father abandoned the family at an early age. He experienced significant hardships as a child as his mother struggled to maintain their home. She periodically fled, both physically and emotionally, and during those periods when she, “couldn’t cope,” would leave Neal and his sister with her mother and father, who was a conservative preacher. Neal’s grandfather was verbally and physically abusive, conveying disgust at his own daughter and contempt for Neal and his sister. Neal left home as soon as he could get out, making his way to a large nearby city and supporting himself through hustling.

Neal invested considerably in his own wellbeing, attending community college, working diligently, and eventually maintaining a good job and home. The one area of his life that remained unsatisfactory were his relationships. Neal got involved in several relationships that lasted three or four years, usually with older men who he later determined were emotionally unavailable.

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