Louth Folk Tales by Doreen McBride

Author:Doreen McBride
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9780750964470
Publisher: The History Press
Published: 2015-02-05T00:00:00+00:00

‘I knew I was stressed,’ he muttered, ‘but I didn’t realise I was going stark, staring bonkers. Toes can’t talk to you! Perhaps being High King of the whole of Ireland is too hard a job for me to hold down. Perhaps I should abdicate? Perish the thought.’

He lay and shivered under his wolf skins then he got to thinking. ‘I’m an excellent High King. People are happy under my rule. I must remember I am the High King of the whole of Ireland. A High King should be frightened of nothing, never mind his own two feet. I must be brave and act with dignity.’

He sat up in bed and pulled his golden crown with its gleaming jewels straight on his head. (He was very proud of his position and never went to bed without his crown. He was a little bit pompous, was King Brian Boru.) Throwing back the bedclothes, he glowered at his feet.

‘We were talking, Brian,’ said the left toe.

‘I heard you. Why were you talking?’

‘We’re fed up inside your smelly socks. We want to go home.’

‘My socks are NOT smelly.’

‘Oh, yes, they are. They’re stinking.’

‘They can’t be,’ replied Brian, ‘I’m a very clean king. I make a point of having a bath once a year.’

‘That’s beside the point,’ said the right toe, ‘bath or no bath, your socks are smelly and we want to go home.’

‘I don’t see how you can go home. You’re stuck on my feet and anyway, I need you.’

‘Look Brian, ye know nothin’,’ replied the right toe, ‘Ye’ve five toes on your right foot and five toes on your left foot. Five and five’s ten. That’s greedy. It’s too many toes. You wouldn’t even miss us if you let us go home. And don’t ye know, if you pull your toes really hard they come off like lego and ye can stick them back on again.’

‘Go on,’ said the left toe, ‘Give it a go. Try pulling us off and let us go home.’

King Brian Boru began to think and think and think. It was a slow process because he was better at fighting than thinking. He thought seriously about his two big toes. If he had to get up in the middle of the night to visit the bathroom what did he hit against the furniture? His big toe. When he danced a jig with Queenie and she leapt into the air in her green wellies, what did she land on? His big toe. Hitting his toe against the furniture hurt, and so did Queenie. She was a big, fat, heavy woman. It’s not pleasant thing to have a heavyweight land on your toe and Queenie lived in the days when fat was a status symbol. Ordinary people could not afford enough food, so were thin. Queenie was the High Queen of the whole of Ireland and the wife of a rich monarch. She could have as much food as she could eat. As a result, she was the fattest woman in the whole of Ireland.

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