Leading With Emotional Courage by Peter Bregman

Author:Peter Bregman
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781119505679
Publisher: Wiley
Published: 2018-07-11T00:00:00+00:00

CHAPTER 22

SKILLFUL COMMUNICATION IN THE HEAT OF THE MOMENT: OUTSMART YOUR NEXT ANGRY OUTBURST

Robert and Howard had always gotten along well. They'd worked on several projects together and considered each other friends. So when Robert discovered that Howard held a strategy meeting and hadn't included him, he felt betrayed. He immediately shot off a text to Howard: “I can't believe you didn't include me in that meeting!”

Howard was in the middle of a client meeting when his phone pinged with a new text. Stealing a look at his phone, he felt a jumble of things: concern, anger, embarrassment, frustration, defensiveness. The text distracted Howard, and his meeting didn't go as well as he had hoped. His anger grew as he thought about the fact that in a meeting earlier that week, Robert didn't support an idea Howard proposed to Jane, their CEO, even though before the meeting he'd said he liked the idea. So as soon as Howard stepped out of his client meeting, he shot off a curt, though seemingly unrelated, reply to Robert: “I can't believe you left me hanging in our meeting with Jane.”

Two little texts – a sentence each – managed to upset a relationship that had been good for years. It took Robert and Howard weeks to be collegial again, and even then they felt the damage linger.

There are so many lessons in this brief but havoc-wreaking exchange. Some are easy: Don't text when you're angry. Ever. In fact, don't communicate in the clutch of any strong negative feeling. Most of us should not use writing to express anger or frustration or disappointment; subtleties of feeling are often lost in texts and e-mails. And, of course, never check your phone in the middle of a meeting.

Being a skillful communicator takes thoughtfulness. So much of our communication has become transactional – a word here, a sentence there – that we forget communication, at its essence, is relational. It's about connection.

It sounds simple, but in reality there is nothing simple about communicating, especially when emotions are involved. I – and you, I am sure – see this kind of clumsy communication all the time. At one point or other we've all been Howard and we've all been Robert. Situations like this should encourage us to step back and commit to a clear, straightforward, easy-to-follow framework for communicating powerfully in any situation.

For starters, always plan your communication. As you do, remember that organizations are complex, people make mistakes, and what looks like political backstabbing may be a simple oversight. In difficult situations it helps to ask instead of demand, to stay curious, and to open up conversation rather than shut it down. Give the other person some benefit of the doubt. Your thoughtfulness conveys trustworthiness.

Here are four questions to ask yourself before communicating.

What outcome do I want? It seems obvious, but in reality it's unusual that we ask this question. Often we react to what other people are saying, to our own emotions, or to a particular situation. But those reactions lead to haphazard outcomes.

Download

Copyright Disclaimer:
This site does not store any files on its server. We only index and link to content provided by other sites. Please contact the content providers to delete copyright contents if any and email us, we'll remove relevant links or contents immediately.