Finding Jackie (Vasquez & James Series) by Sylvre Lou

Author:Sylvre, Lou [Sylvre, Lou]
Language: eng
Format: mobi, epub
Publisher: Dreamspinner Press
Published: 2013-05-15T22:00:00+00:00

Chapter 11

THE trucker, Maury, had left Jackie on a street corner in the sparsely populated part of Grand Island, three blocks from the bus depot, with a bottle of A&W Root Beer and his last ham sandwich, which Maury had gotten to-go at Jimmy’s. Jackie had tried to refuse it, saying he wasn’t hungry. He’d ultimately taken it, given no choice, and stood on the sidewalk shuffling his feet until Maury pulled away, saying farewell with a short blast on his horn. He’d eaten the sandwich on the way to the bus depot. It was a reprieve from impending starvation.

Oak Flats, Jimmy’s Roadhouse, Grand Island, all of it was too tame. Getting what he was looking for in Grand Island would be too hard. Hell, he’d been lucky to get food; he’d never find what he really needed.

At least, he corrected, what I think I need.

He thought about the things Luki and Sonny had said back before the wedding, when Sonny had helped him set up a Skype call so he and Luki could see each other while they talked. They’d been outside on the little half-covered porch on the side of Sonny’s house. It was early morning in Washington State, and a raucous pair of Steller’s Jays insisted on being heard in Nebraska, too. That had made them all smile, even Jackie, though his mood was far from happy.

He’d let the smile slide, when he started talking, or trying to talk, about the strange tightrope he found himself trying to balance on. “I’m fucked up, Luki. He messed me up.” He was talking about his father, Mariano, and of course Luki knew that. “Not just because I’m scared and all that. I mean….” His voice fell almost to a whisper. “I mean I want things… the things I think I need aren’t just normal things… I don’t know how to say it. I don’t get how I could want things that are….” Jackie stopped and shook his head, stayed quiet so long Luki finally called his name.

“Hey, Jackie! Come on. You can tell me or ask me—”

“How can someone like me ever be okay, Luki?”

Luki had raised his eyebrows, smiled at him even, for a second. Then he responded to what Jackie knew a lot of people would have called a stupid question. “Damn, Jackie, I don’t know the answer. People are who they are, they like what—and who—they like, and a lot of times those likes are a mystery to other people, the ones on the outside that can’t see inside you. And for you, I think it gets more complicated. You’re a gay teen—hard enough to begin with—and your whole life you’ve been trapped in situations where you were used and abused. I don’t want to get you started thinking about things but let’s face it, it was pretty awful stuff. And you sure never got to ask yourself about your own feelings.

“You’re bound to be overwhelmed, now, trying to negotiate a world where you’re free to be yourself, and it’s confusing.

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