Fatal Pauses by Stuart C. Yudofsky

Author:Stuart C. Yudofsky
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: American Psychiatric Publishing
Published: 2015-03-11T16:00:00+00:00

Newlyweds

We were just kids, masquerading as grown-ups. Looking back, I had thought at the time that my enthusiasm was fueled by some sort of romantic love, but now I realize it probably came more from a desire, perhaps even need, to be taken care of and to become absorbed into what I saw as his secure, successful, and lively family. To be part of a family system that didn’t sit around waiting for bad things to happen but, rather, charted its own course of happy destiny was more than I had previously dared to imagine for myself.

When I said yes to Laurence’s proposal, I certainly didn’t stop to think through all the implications, such as what it would be like to be pursuing a Ph.D. in engineering and computer sciences with brilliant peers and demanding professors while married to a medical student whom I would rarely get to see, or to be living in a tiny basement apartment in a place where I did not know anyone.

As expected, Cal Tech was a challenge, and it took me some time to ease into this new way of thinking, analyzing, and verbalizing basic and applied science. Also, it took me a while to believe I could be successful at it. All of my classmates were brilliant, with most coming from Stanford, Cal Tech, MIT, and prestigious Ivy League schools. The professors were world class and demanding, and they expected a lot of us. The long and short of it was that I felt insecure about whether I could hack it. Also, this was at a time when only about 5% or 10% of the class was made up of women. To my surprise, once I settled in with the culture of Cal Tech and understood the beauty of applied basic sciences, I did very well. I had found an academic home.

As I was becoming more acclimated into the ways of graduate school in engineering and computational sciences, my marriage began showing signs of deep cracks below the surface of things. At the start of my second year, Laurence began volunteering at a free health clinic. He worked alongside a nurse with whom he began to hang out after clinic hours. When I protested that it didn’t seem appropriate, he’d respond with “Lynda, you’re just too insecure and jealous.” He’d make it seem as if I were trying to smother him by being unreasonably possessive. He’d also point out how I couldn’t possibly understand what medicine was all about and that he needed friends and colleagues with whom he could talk. I’d walk away telling myself that I must be the one with the problem, admitting that yes, indeed, I was insecure and that it was reasonable for him to have female friends other than me.

But things got worse. She began calling him in the middle of the night wanting to talk. He was now suggesting that we socialize with her and her husband. It was dreadful and I felt total emotional, psychic, and even physical pain.

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